cheerio my deario
by archy the cockroach
Summary: crackfic. yuki pretends to be gay. ayame gets hit by a bus. binbin and snoop dogg get married. oh, cheerio. [yukixkyouxayame triangle]
1. and russia's like AHHH, MOTHER LEIN!

cheerio my deario

(By archy the cockroach)

warnings: Shounen-ai, swearing

* * *

well boss I met  
mehitabel the cat  
trying to dig a  
frozen lamb chop  
out of a snow  
drift the other day

* * *

Yuki was very cold. And Yuki was also stuck up in a tree. How the rat got stuck up in the tree, he would probably never know for sure. All he knew was that he would probably be molested by over-eager Yuki Fanclub Girls if he came down from that tree.

"Oi! Rat!" Yuki recognized that voice as soon as it sounded; the cat, also known as, Kyou. "What the hell are you doin' up in that tree?" Indeed, being in a tree like that was more suited for the cat himself. But, Yuki decided he might be better off to explain.

"I'm hiding… from the Fangirls..." said Yuki, just loud enough for Kyou to hear it. Kyou scoffed, and leaned himself up against the tree in which the rat was located in.

"Why don't you just make up some excuse for them to stop chasing you?" said Kyou, deciding he was bored enough to talk to the hiding rat. And as a plus, it might get Yuki revealed to wandering Fangirls.

"Like what," said Yuki, poking his head out over a branch to look at his cousin. "I can't just say I'm taken or something, stupid cat. They'd go crazy."

"Tell 'em you're allergic to girls."

"Tried that."

"Have a deadly, transmittable disease?"

"I don't want to risk Hatori coming over and poking me with needles."

"Say you're gay, then," said Kyou, shrugging. Yuki nearly fell out of the tree. Saying he was gay was the thing that he wouldn't of considered. He was the polar opposite of gay. He hated it when Haru hit on him, but he never really said anything. A lot of people thought he might be remotely gay because of his feminine appearance.

"No."

"Well, then, have fun, because here they come," said Kyou, wandering away from the tree. And sure enough, about ten meters away, three Yuki-crazed girls were shuffling down the park trail calling the rat's name.

Yuki had run into the park to hide from the other swarm of girls who were lurking about the school. He had almost gotten mauled and transformed, and he didn't want to risk it anymore, and thus, run into the park… only to meet up with more Yuki-crazy girls.

Yuki was having a bad day.

"Yuki!" screamed the Fangirl known as Mimi. She was the scariest of all three, by Yuki standards. "Come out, come out wherever you are!"

So, Yuki decided to. It wasn't very useful to keep running. Kyou decided to stick around to see what the rat was going to do.

"THERE YOU ARE MY BEAUTIFUL BOY!" said the second Fangirl, Hiromi, nearly leaping for Yuki.

"Don't touch me," said the rat, glaring daggers at Hiromi. Said Fangirl stopped mid-leap, and fell to the ground. "I want you to stop chasing me."

"Why, Yuki? Why must you run from us! We love you!" said the final Fangirl, Kimmi.

"But I'm not interested," said Yuki. But Kimmi was approaching him, looking ready to… to hug! He had to stop her fast. "I'm gay!"

Everyone froze. Kyou looked like he was about to break into a fit of laughter, though. He quickly hid his face, but couldn't let small giggles fall out sometimes.

"No, silly, you're not gay!" said Hiromi, her left eye twitching. That scared Yuki a little bit.

"Yes, I am. I would know my sexuality," said Yuki. It was hard to sound serious, very hard indeed. And with Kyou's laughter nearby, it was even harder.

"You're lying! Prove it!" said Mimi.

"How am I supposed to prove it?" said Yuki, hands on his hips and making a very 'gay-like' stance.

"Kiss a boy!" said Kimmi.

Kyou suddenly looked up. All Fangirls present were glowering at him. Oh no. Kyou Sohma was not gay. Well… Kyou hadn't really ever questioned his sexuality, but he thought he wasn't gay.

"We're… we're cousins!" protested Kyou, disgusted expression stamped on his face.

"So? I heard that in Texas, America, they marry their brothers and sisters!" said Hiromi. Yuki had an odd grimace on his face.

"YEAH?" shouted Kyou. "So what? They eat wombats in Texas, too, and that doesn't make it any more normal! And I'm not from frickin' Texas, anyway!"

"You never protested like this last night…" said Yuki. Kyou died on the spot, chanting 'I hate you' like a mantra in his head.

"Shut up, you stupid rat! We didn't do anything last night!" said Kyou, spinning on his heel to face said rat. Blush was crawling across his cheeks, which were already flushed from the cold.

"Just like we didn't do anything the night before, or the night before," said Yuki, pulling the cat's body closer to his. Kyou was now blushing like a schoolgirl, eyes wide and breathing quickly. The three Fangirls were glaring at the cat now, and their murderous eyes were a little scary. "Play along or you're dead," Yuki whispered in an undertone.

"You're just pretending!" yelled Hiromi, her hair nearly sticking out she was so angry. "Kiss him if you're not, then!"

And Yuki did kiss Kyou.

And the Fangirls screamed "OHMIGOD HE WASN'T LYING!"

And Kyou passed out in his arms.

And Yuki was happy as he was (momentarily) free from the wrath of the Fangirls.

…And because Kyou was unconscious too.

* * *

bump ba baaaaaa! chapter one, up and at 'em. - 

well, here's the first fic. this poem is by **don marquis** and is entitled **cheerio my deario**, of course.


	2. raptor noises

cheerio my deario

(By archy the cockroach)

Warning: Shounen-ai, mild language

Disclaimer: i don't own anything

* * *

"HAH! I knew it would happen sooner or later!"

Yuki looked over to where the 'mysterious' voice had come from. Uo. Oh no. Now they were doomed. And Kyou was getting heavy; very heavy.

"I knew you guys had something going on! I have to tell Tohru!" sang the Yankee, whipping out a sparkly pink cellphone and dialing the other girl's phone number.

"Erm… if you don't mind me asking, what are you doing here?" said Yuki. Hanajima wandered out from behind the same tree that Uo was hiding behind.

"I lost," said the psychic, rather simply. "I can't believe I lost."

"Are you angry about it?" asked Yuki, while Uo jabbered to Tohru on her phone and Kyou remained unconscious.

"**Very** angry," said Hana, sending one of her freaky glares at Yuki.

"Your facial expression isn't looking angry," commented Yuki to himself. Hana appeared to have heard.

"This** is** my angry face," said Hana, her facial expression the same as always. Yuki immediately looked back to Uo.

"Hey, she wants to talk to you," said Uo, handing the phone to Yuki. Now this was difficult; the rat had to support Kyou with one arm, and answer the phone with the other. Yuki balanced the cat on his leg, and answered the phone.

"Erm… hello," he said into the receiver. It almost sounded if someone were having a party in the background.

"HEY YUKI! I knew you guys were going to be together! I just knew it! So, did Kyou tell you that he loved you or the other way around! Blah blah blah muffin blah blah…"

Tohru went on and on and on.

"Anyway, I won a whole lot of money! I predicted the exact date that you would get together. I won 73 dollars! Can you believe that?"

Yuki was beginning to wonder if Tohru sicked the Fangirls on him, and convinced Kyou to suggest that he pretend he was gay.

Oh yes. Yuki was getting a little paranoid.

"Oh yeah, Shigure wants to ask you something-" It sounded as if the phone was being passed.

"Hi Yuki" – Shigure's voice – "I was wondering if you and Kyou would like to have a threesome?"

Yuki promptly hung up the cellphone.

"So, Yuki. What's wrong with your boyfriend?" said Uo, looking down at the cat, who was currently slumped over on Yuki's leg.

"Erm. He passed out… because… a flying baseball… hit him on the… femur," said Yuki. Uo nodded.

"So… are you the prince or the princess in your relationship?" asked Uo with a slight smirk. Yuki repeated the sentence in his head a few times, before he realized what she meant. Hanajima was staring oddly at the Fangirls, who were (still) present.

"I guess you're asking if I'm the man or not in the relationship. Kyou's the woman," said Yuki, not really thinking much about the answer. There was no way **he** was going to be the woman. And plus, it was Kyou's fault that Yuki was in this predicament.

"Hm, I always thought it'd be the other way around. I guess Tohru wins another thirty bucks. Damn," said Uo. Yuki was wondering just how many people had bet on the two of them. It was a little scary.

"…What's going on?" said Kyou, opening his eyes. Yuki muttered 'Oh, you're awake' moved his knee and dropped the cat on the ground, on his ass.

Kyou landed with a little squeak.

"You okay, _sweetie_?" said Yuki, eyes in a glare down at his 'boyfriend'. Kyou got the message, deciding in his mind 'If I don't play along, I am dead; dead as a doornail… which wasn't alive to begin with.'

"I'm fine," said Kyou, trying desperately to keep the malevolence out of his voice. Yuki stuck out his hand and pulled the other boy up, before sliding his arm around Kyou's waist whilst the cat blushed like a tomato.

"Aww! Isn't that cute?" sang Uo, snapping a picture with her cellphone. Kyou was practically grinding his teeth. Hana was still glaring down the Fangirls. Kyou pushed Yuki's arm away and turned to face the rat.

"Can we go home now?" Kyou half-whined. He was sick of the outside, and plus, Hana was starting to freak him out.

"Sure, darling," Yuki said. Kyou started to walk very quickly. Yuki caught up. Kyou started to jog. Yuki caught up. Kyou ran. Yuki caught up, and pounced. Now, the two 'gay' men were lying on the ground, Yuki over Kyou.

"Wow, frisky aren't ya?" yelled Uo, from a ways away. Kyou died a little inside.

"Don't you dare try to run away," hissed Yuki in Kyou's ear, once again pulling the cat up. He turned back to Uo and yelled back; "Maybe!"

Kyou just knew that it was going to be a long day.

* * *

haha. ;D chapter two, kiddoes. there's no poetry in this chapter, though because i don't have the book with me. x.x

so yeah. the line about hana's angry face is a line from a roleplay i did with my good friend robyn, so props to her.

i might not update very quickly for the next time. this 13 year old has evil exams. hiss.

i'm afraid this chapter is a bit shorter, and worse than the last one. thanks for reading

archy.


	3. you need a rabbit to be perfect

cheerio my deario

(By archy the cockroach)

Warnings: rabid fangirls

Disclaimer: same as usual

* * *

a heluva comedown  
that is for me archy  
she says a few  
brief centuries  
ago one of old  
king  
tut  
ankh  
amens favorite  
queens and today  
the village scavenger  
but wotthehell  
archy wotthehell  
its cheerio  
my deario that  
pulls a lady through

* * *

Three days. Three FREAKING days had passed, and Kyou was about ready to kill himself. Yuki had decided to keep the charade going on at home (with much threatening to Kyou), and Tohru had kept collecting money from all the members of the Sohma family. 

It was **horrible**.

And plus, the entire school knew now, and the cat couldn't miss the odd stares he had been getting from some of the male students/teachers; it was unnerving. And it was equally scary acting like Yuki's lover.

Yuki was controlling, constantly threatening him, constantly grumpy and not to mention a big fat liar. He acted all grabby and 'lovey dovey' around Kyou, but behind everyone's backs he was still the same cat-hater as usual.

And the worst part of it all was they were now sharing a bedroom.

Now, how that came to be was on the second afternoon, Yuki and (a very unwilling) Kyou were putting on their usual act. Yuki was all touchy-feely, cuddling with Kyou whenever he got the opportunity. Shigure commented on how they should get a room. Tohru then said that they should share rooms to be closer to each other. Yuki all-too-willingly obliged. And not to mention that Yuki made Kyou sleep on the floor.

Now, Kyou was sitting in school; detention, for fighting with another student and ultimately punching him in the nose. It was really the other guy's fault. The teacher had momentarily been called out, and he was left alone.

Anyway, Kyou's 15 minute detention was almost over, and the cat had been going over the issues in his life. But all the while he sat in the room; he couldn't shake off the feeling that someone was watching him.

"Yuki stealer…"

The solitary voice echoed over the empty classroom. The red-head glanced around. Nobody was there.

"Um, is somebody there?" Kyou asked back cautiously. Suddenly, the feeling of cloth rubbed over the cat's eyes and his vision disappeared. He was roughly dragged out of his chair, and forced to crash his head onto a desk. He blacked out.

"Uhnn… my head…"

"Shhh, shh, he's awake!"

"Wha…? Where am I? Who is this? Why is everything black? Why can't I move my arms?"

"Because you're tied up."

"Well then… WHY the HELL am I tied up?"

"You stole Yuki from us, you Yuki stealer/man whore!"

"Ff, you can have him back for all I care."

"And you're his cousin! It's INCEST! Gross!"

"SO WHAT?"

"But I heard that in Texas they-"

"Man whore?"

"Shut your mouth! Now, us Yuki Fangi- Erm, us 'People' are going to tell you to keep away from our Yuki! Nyah!"

"I told you; YOU CAN HAVE HIM!"

"Huh? Why doesn't he want Yuki?"

"Because he never wakes up in the mornings, he's a friggin' slave driver, he's really bitchy and I hate him!"

"Then why are you with him? Just leave him for us!"

"I will! He's not even my-"

_**SMASH.**_

"What are you doing to MY boyfriend?"

"Erm, Prince Yuki!"

"Get away from him. NOW."

There was a loud crash of doors and a scuffle of feet and Kyou could see again.

"ARGH, the light!" shouted Kyou, suddenly able to see, as Yuki took the blindfold off of him. "What the hell happened? Where am I? Why am I tied to this goddamn chair?" The cat rocked the chair back and forth to prove his point.

"Apparently, you were kidnapped," said Yuki, not bothering to undo Kyou's bindings… just yet.

There was an awkward silence between the two for a moment, as either one contemplated what to say. Yuki walked over to the wide window that looked out at the school yard.

"Am I really a 'friggin' slave driver', as you say?" asked Yuki, his voice flat.

"Hell yes. You boss me around like there's no tomorrow," said Kyou, rubbing his fingers over the duct tape that was used to bond his wrists.

"Well, you deserve it," said Yuki, still gazing out the window.

"I do not! The next thing you'll be sayin' is that I'm the woman in this 'gay' relationship!"

"…"

"Say something you damn rat!"

"I told them that. You **are** the woman in this relationship," said Yuki, a malevolent grin spreading across his face. Kyou paled.

"No freaking way. You have the girly face. You've dressed up like a girl. You are the girl."

"But who always wins the fights? Who could wipe you across the floor if you don't be the girl?" Yuki and Kyou glared daggers at each other for a moment. "And, I could always leave you here…"

Kyou contemplated this for a moment. Be stuck in a classroom for the rest of the night, or go home with Yuki. And plus, the annoying Fangirls _could_ be back. "Fine… you win," said Kyou, bowing his head in defeat.

"I knew you'd see it my way," said Yuki, walking to the door. "Come on." He exited the classroom.

"You forgot to untie me!"

"So… being the girl, how am I supposed to act?" said Kyou, rubbing his wrists where the duct-tape had been.

"I don't know… like Tohru?" said Yuki. He really didn't have any idea, either. But after saying that suggestion, he got this odd little image of Kyou in a sailor suit bustling around in the kitchen like the aforementioned girl, and thus had to try to stop himself from laughing.

"Are you sneezing or something?" said Kyou, annoyance spiking his voice. Yuki regained his composure and shook his head. "Anyway, because all girls sort of act the same" –the Cat put on a stupid grin and crossed his eyes- "OOOOH, chocolate! I LOOOOVE chocolate" –grin faded- "But I can't eat it 'cause I'll get fat." The grin returned. "But I LOOOOOVE it SOOOOO much!"

Yuki had to stifle laughter again, while Kyou rolled his eyes.

"And they think everything is cute!" stated the Cat, crossing his eyes again, "OOOH, it's a STICK! Isn't it SOOOO kyoooot! AWWW, LOOKIE! A sidewalk! SOOOO adora-bibble!"

"You're definitely suited for the woman," said Yuki, giving another smirk.

"Like, oh my god, **no** way."

* * *

and the next chapter is UP and archy is a happy 'roach, she is. ;D wheeee. 

mmmm... cheese burritos... WITH CHEESE

oh, and this chapter's title comes from when i went to visit my friend's church. some lady was asking what you needed in life to be perfect. i was thinking about momiji. so i said, "you need a rabbit to be perfect."

yeah.


	4. rock the house

cheerio my deario

(By archy the cockroach)

Warnings: shounen-ai, make out scene, cruelty to flowers, and an unimportant OC (oh, and yuki acting like a normal, caring person for once)

Disclaimer: do I look rich or japanese to you?

a/n: the winnebagos are an indian tribe. don't ask. yes, in this fic it's the end of fall. w00t. just thought i'd give you the heads up. and, it's the second year of high-school, so yuki, kyou and tohru are the beautiful age of 17 with haru and momiji at 16. oh, and the made up is based off a real person, hokay?

* * *

Yuki and Kyou walked home in an awkward silence, the only noise was the occasional car going by on the highway. They silently decided to take a detour through a marketplace, where people were just closing up shop. The sun was beginning to sink into the horizon, the winter chill was beginning to set in, and the crickets were beginning to chirp. 

"Oi!"

Both cat and rat turned their heads to where the voice came from. There was a girl (probably about their age) with shiny blonde hair standing at a flower stall. She had a large top-hat situated on her head and looked quite out of place. She didn't look Asian. And her name and bad accent confirmed it. Her name was 'Sydni' as her name-tag confirmed.

"Yeah, you two. Do you want to buy a flower for your sausage?" said Sydni. Yuki ran the sentence over in his head a few times.

"I think you mean 'boyfriend'," said Yuki. Damn those stupid English speakers and their translation errors.

"Yeah, sorry," said Sydni, smiling sheepishly, "I need to get rid of these flowers. They're wilting, and I'm closing up shop. I'll give them to you; half-price."

Yuki did have some money on him, and there were only about three flowers left. The rat nodded and paid for two flowers, handing one over to the blushing cat without a word. He planned to give the other one to Tohru later.

"Erm, what's with the top-hat?" asked Yuki, pointing to the black thing on Sydni's head. Syndi looked up, giggled and took the thing off.

"My boss is really weird. Had us wear these. Yeah, there are other fishies working for us. I really hate working here. Hate flowers," said Sydni. The girl really knew how to make opinionated rambles. It was what she did. When she finished her sentence, she took out a lighter and set the remaining flower on fire to prove her point.

Yuki and Kyou both sweat dropped.

"Well, have fun! See you boxes later!" said Sydni, waving the two boys off.

The two went back to their uncomfortable silence before Kyou decided to say something.

"Um... why did you buy me a flower?" said the cat, not able to look the rat in the eyes. Said rat looked at Kyou before shrugging.

"I don't know."

Without a word Yuki took the flower out of Kyou's fingertips and placed the orange-yellow flower behind the cat's ear. 'The color suits him well,' Yuki thought rather absently. Kyou's cheeks were bright red by now. He wasn't used to this sort of treatment, even though it was probably still an act.

"Well... that girl was nice for letting us have the flowers half price," said Yuki, idly twirling the pink flower he got for Tohru in his hands. He was trying to make conversation. It was too dull not to.

"I guess. She probably would have burnt them if we hadn't gotten there sooner," mumbled Kyou, still blushing from the flower. It was in his hair. Only girls wore flowers in their hair. But... for some reason, he really didn't seem to mind.

"Sydni the Flower Murderer..." said Yuki, with an odd little sigh. Kyou smiled slightly. That gave him a funny image; Sydni running around in her top-hat with flaming azaleas all around her, 'Buahaha'-ing like a maniac.

Yuki sighed for the zillionth time that day, scanning the empty park before him. But something caught his eye... Something...

"Fangirls," said Yuki, stopping dead in his tracks, blinking. He saw them ahead, trying to hide themselves behind a bush. "I thought they'd stop bothering us."

"Evidently not," huffed Kyou. He really didn't feel like dealing with them.

"Hurry, do something - anything - to make us look like we're a couple!" said Yuki. Kyou looked over at him. Didn't they look couple-like enough? Walking home together?

Apparantly not.

The Prince dragged the cat to the nearest park bench pulling him down on his lap to make them look 'like a couple'. Kyou made a small squeak upon falling on Yuki's lap, but it was soon silenced by the rat's lips.

The Fangirls could be heard growling behind the trees.

Kyou's entire face was red. He'd only kissed Yuki one other time (when Yuki was confirming his 'gayness') and they weren't **this** close and Yuki's tongue was not in his unaware mouth. Last time, it had just been a tight-lipped quick one (in which the cat had passed out) but this time it was more of a full-mouthed probe. Yuki's tongue was everywhere, and the cat could only blink back at the Prince who wasn't even concentrated on him. He was looking at the Fangirls, trying to get them to leave.

Yuki's fingers were on his back, slightly kneading Kyou's flesh from over his coat. Kyou was awkwardly sitting with one leg bent on the rat's lap, his arms slightly astray on the other's shoulders.

The Fangirls apparantly left, because Yuki stopped.

He pulled his face out of Kyou's and sighed, leaving the cat hanging in mid-air, wide eyed, blushing furiously and slightly frightened.

"That was close," said Yuki, not making a move to push the cat off his lap. His hands were still located on Kyou's back.

The cat shifted on Yuki's legs, slightly uncomforable. As he kept moving, he felt **something** hard hit his leg. If it was possible, he blushed hard. Yuki wasn't actually... no, he couldn't be...

"Erm, Kyou... is something wrong?" asked Yuki, glancing at the cat who appeared to be trying to sputter something out. In the midst of all Kyou's psychobabble the rat managed to make out the words 'something' and 'hard'.

Yuki blushed slightly. "Stupid cat, it's just my cell phone," said the rat, in a deadpan voice. Kyou nodded and got off the rat's lap, not able to look him in the eyes. Yuki smiled slightly (!) and stood up. "We should get home."

As the two walked home in the evening atmosphere, Kyou realized, did Yuki even **have** a cell phone?

* * *

cellphone. feh. that's what they all say.

the title is from a line of **velvet revolver's** song, dirty little thing.


	5. THE SHIT IS BANANAS OMG

Cheerio my deario

(By archy, of course)

Warnings: rampant ox and boar, language, Kyou OOC-ness (thanks to a bump on the head)

Disclaimer: I'm poor. And the songs 'Hollaback Girl' and 'RichGirl'belong to Gwen Stefani.

* * *

see here mehitabel  
i said i thought  
you told me that  
it was cleopatra  
you used to be  
before you  
transmigrated into  
the carcase of a cat  
where do you get  
this tut  
ankh  
amen stuff  
question mark

* * *

Kyou was laying on the floor unconscious, body half-in Yuki's lap. Yuki was nursing a bruised cheek and a pin-prick to his dignity. Tohru was trying to calm down a bleeding Hatsuharu and Kagura was sobbing into the table. 

OK, what did you miss?

Kyou and Yuki made it home later that evening. The Fangirls didn't bother them for the rest of the walk, and they were happy for that. Kyou was oddly quiet for the rest of the walk home. Upon opening the door, the cat found himself tackled and lying back-down on the ground.

"…Hatsu… haru?"

"YOU WHORE."

_SMACK_

Oh, Black Haru.

Kyou immediately kicked Haru off upon being punched in the face. He was totally prepared for a martial arts battle. He could vent about Yuki AND kick the shit out of his cousin.

It was a win/win situation.

Yuki just sort of blinked, before he was also tackled. He didn't fall down, mind you, but he was tackled none-the-less.

"YOU STOLE MY LOOOOVE."

Kagura started to beat on Yuki. It didn't work very well, because he was obviously stronger than her. But it still hurt. Tohru rushed out after the two raging teens, and gasped, tea kettle still in hand.

Kyou flipped the squabbling Haru off of him so that he was straddling the ox and had good access to his face. The cat was going to beat the crap out of him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" shrieked the feline, aiming several punches for the cow's face. He got a few in Haru's face before he was flipped by the cow again. The back of the cat's skull slammed into the ground and Kyou groaned.

"You stupid whore!" yelled Black Haru, pulling Kyou's hair and driving his skull back into the dirt.

Kagura pulled Yuki back up and punched him in the cheek. "YOU STOLE HIM AWAY!" Kagura half-heartedly punched him in the chest before she collapsed to the ground crying. Drama Queen.

Now, things were going rather black for Kyou as Hatsuharu kept slamming his head into the ground. Yuki left the sobbing Kagura on the ground for a moment. He needed to stop Haru. He really didn't care much if the cat got his ass kicked, but he still had to keep up the act.

"Haru, stop it," said the rat, glaring him down. Haru stopped momentarily with a growl, turning dark eyes to stare back at the rat.

"Make me. Stupid cat stole you away from me," said the cow, "and now I'm getting revenge. I'll kill him! And then you'll turn to me!"

"Erm, please, stop!" shouted Tohru, "The tea is getting cold!"

"Let go of my boyfriend."

"NO."

"UWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHH," Kagura sobbed.

So, to stop Haru from beating on his 'boyfriend', Yuki kicked the ox in the head. Haru crashed into the wooden deck just behind him, making a huge bloody gash in the back of his head. Kyou was unconscious on the ground, obviously from his repeated head-banging.

"I'm still gonna kill him!" yelled Haru, now bleeding and trying to get up to trample the cat. Yuki gave him his coldest of glares, picked up the cat (and semi-dragged Kagura) back inside the house.

Tohru, still standing at the door, made a small noise. "…Hatsuharu, would you erm, I mean, would you please calm down… and come in for tea?" muttered the girl. Haru grumbled, still rather Black, and stumbled inside the house.

* * *

So, that's about what you missed. Let's keep going, shall we? 

Kagura lifted up her tear-stained face to stare at Yuki. "I thought you loved Tohru… Kyou… Kyou's mine," whimpered the boar. Yuki sighed.

"I love Tohru… like a sister." Lie.

"Kyou's very special to me…" Lie.

"But, I'm sure there's someone else out there for you," finished Yuki. Yeah, maybe if he liked a jealous freak who beat him up all the time.

Kagura whimpered and went back to whimpering into the table. Hatsuharu growled, still fighting Tohru who was unsuccessfully trying to clean and bandage Haru's cut on the back of his head. It was bleeding profusely.

"You goddamn liar! What the fuck made you think that you can even have a relationship with the cat! Akito'll crap hot coals when he finds out!" snarled the cow. Yuki tensed up at the god's name. He'd never really thought about that or the consequences for pretending like this. Akito would probably have a bitch fit if he found out.

"And on top of that, I owe Tohru a lot of money, thanks," said Haru, finally calming down enough to let the girl tend to his wounds. Yuki blinked.

"I owe Tohru more than you, Haru…" muttered Kagura.

"So even you two bet on us?" said Yuki, absentmindedly digging his nails into Kyou's neck. He hadn't even remembered resting his hands on the cat's neck and head. The cat whimpered in his comatose-like state before he opened his eyes and shot up.

"WHA?" said the cat, head practically spinning. "Where am I?"

"You're inside, Kyou," said Tohru.

"What happened?" said Haru. Everyone sighed, with the exception of Kyou. He had no idea really what happened either.

"So you're White now?" asked Yuki. Haru looked at Kagura while he nodded.

"All I remember is coming here, really, really angry," said Haru. He blinked. "And now I remember why…" His gaze traveled to the cat that happened to be half-sitting in Yuki's lap. Tohru finished bandaging the back of Haru's head (the cut just happened to be around his neck, and the back of his hair covered up the bandage).

Kyou squeaked.

Tohru, sensing the tense situation, immediately stood up. "I'll go get something to eat! Kyou, why don't you come with me?" The girl didn't even wait for his answer as she grabbed his hand and dragged him into the kitchen.

* * *

Tohru huffed, once inside the sparkling clean kitchen. "Are you OK Kyou?" asked the girl, giving her worried look to the cat. Kyou nodded. 

"Nothing feels broken. My head hurts a little bit, but I'm alright," said the cat, still a little too delirious to be mean. Hell, why were there two Tohrus?

"Hmm. Can you grab me those bananas?" asked Tohru, pointing over to the counter where a bunch of yellow fruit hung. Kyou blinked and wandered over to the stand and grabbed the bushel. What the hell was Tohru going to do with bananas? He handed them to the girl.

"Here," said Kyou.

"I've been meaning to talk to you alone for a while, Kyou," said Tohru, taking one of the fruit and peeling it. She took a small, delicate bite out of the top. "I mean about you and Yuki. Can I tell you something?"

Kyou nodded. He liked Tohru, he'd listen to her.

"Well, I must confess. I have a bit of a crush on your boyfriend, and you," said the girl, blushing slightly and giggling. Kyou returned the blush. Tohru liked him AND Yuki? Well, he wasn't sure he liked Tohru _that_ way, but he had caught Yuki looking at her with longing eyes. "I guess I should've acted sooner, but I'm really happy for you two. Don't get me wrong. Everybody was sort of hoping you two would get together soon."

Kyou blinked. What the hell? Why had everybody bet on them? They didn't even like each other, let alone **love **each other. Well, maybe Kyou didn't hate Yuki as much as he let on, but he still didn't like the rat.

"Well, anyway, do you want a banana?" said Tohru, "Bananas are the shit." Kyou sputtered. Tohru had just… no, she didn't! Tohru Honda doesn't swear!

"What?"

"Oh, sorry," giggled the girl, handing him a yellow fruit. "It's a catchy song. In the middle, the girl goes on about bananas. Interesting, huh?"

"What song…?"

* * *

"It isn't fair," said Kagura, head still on the table. "The rat always gets what he wants." Now, Kagura normally liked Yuki. Her drastic personality change was from him stealing her man. 

"If you were gay, why didn't you ever tell me?" said Haru, trying to keep himself from slipping into black. It was very hard, considering how pissed off he was at the moment.

"I don't know," said Yuki, trying to think up a believable lie, "I guess I just… was afraid, or something."

"Well… I love you. Why… why couldn't we be together if you like guys?" asked Haru.

"I just don't like you that way Haru," said Yuki, with one of his fallen-angel smiles.

"The shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!"

Everybody in the dining room just sort of froze. Yuki could swear that was Tohru and Kyou. What the hell were they doing? Singing? He wandered over to the door and opened it.

Haru, Kagura (who had lifted her head up to see) and Yuki were in for quite a surprise. Kyou and Tohru were dancing around the kitchen, singing into bananas.

"A few times I've been around that track, so it's not just gonna happen like that. Cause I ain't no hollaback girl! I ain't no hollaback girl!" sang the two, dancing around the kitchen. After a little while, Tohru finally noticed they were being watched. She poked Kyou on the shoulder and pointed to the door. Kyou froze.

"Erm… Hello, Yuki, Haru and um, Kagura," said the cat, blinking helplessly. Hey, the song was catchy.

Kagura screamed and her face fell into her hands. "HE IS SO GAY!" she shrieked before running off, presumably to cry. Yuki coughed uncomfortably. Haru grinned, wishing he had a video camera.

"Oh, Kyou and I were just making a snack! We got a little carried away, though," said Tohru, smiling giddily. Kyou was so much more fun when he was delusional. She hoped maybe that he would bonk his head more often.

"Erm, it's alright, Miss Honda," said Yuki, still slightly amazed to see Kyou dancing around and having fun like a normal person. "But, Kyou, maybe you should go lie down."

Kyou did what his boyfriend said, (he wasn't in his right mind to object), and whilst he was going up the stairs sang; "If I was a rich girl. Nananananananana!"

"Tohru, how many songs did you teach him?"

"Erm, just the 'Hollaback Girl' one. I don't know how he learned that song."

* * *

Yuki: (gasp) you listen to Gwen Stefani?  
Kyou: no. (hides No Doubt CDs)

yeah, i know. how the hell would tohru know a gwen stefani song? i don't know. more likely, how would kyou know gwen stefani songs and UNDERSTAND the lyrics? well, that could be explored. i don't know.

anyway, thank you everybody. 35 reviews! wow! that's amazing. muffins to you all.

and since i really like tohru, she'll get to do some BONDING with kyou. kitty-chan will finally discover his non-existant femmy side. yay.

until next time,

cheerio,

archy.


	6. liek, ohmigawwwwwwwd

Interlude One.

Akito has a bitch fit.

* * *

Hatori was nervous. Whenever Akito summoned him, it never meant anything good. And now, the god was lying Roman-style out where he usually did and playing with the birds. Crazy bastard. He killed the animals! It was like, murdering Kureno or something.

Speaking of Kureno, the rooster wasn't really paying attention. He was sort of off in space and could be heard humming show tunes over in the corner.

"I heard something… from the other zodiac," drawled the god, balancing the little white bird on his fingers. "I heard that _my _Yuki was sleeping with that stupid cat."

'Yep, you're right on the dot there,' thought the doctor, almost laughing. Akito was really ridiculous sometimes. But instead of saying that, Hatori said; "Yes."

Akito's breathing could be heard a little more clearly, heavily now and the god got up. "Kureno… I'm going to have a BF."

The rooster jumped up almost immediately. "Ohmigaaaaaawd! (1) He's going to have a BF!" And then, Kureno started running in circles screaming like a little girl. Hatori still knelt on the floor, just blinking.

"What's a BF?" asked the doctor. Akito was now screaming his head off, giving the dragon one mother of a headache.

"A BITCH FIT!" shrieked Akito, reaching for the nearest vase.

"I thought we told the housekeepers to keep those away from you…" muttered Hatori, before he was practically dragged up by Kureno and pushed to the wall.

"WAAAH, he's having a bitch fit!" whimpered the rooster, sobbing into Hatori's shoulder.

And as the vase flew past his head and crashed against the wall, Hatori decided that Kureno and Akito must've gotten into his medication again.

* * *

(1) This is Kureno's Fran Descher impression.

A/N: This is just a filler chapter until I update again. Yay.


	7. bangity bang bang

Cheerio my deario

(By archy, I think.)

Warnings: innuendo, random cross-dressing, attempted molestation of said cross-dresser, Shounen-ai, Guilt being personified, awkward doctor and language

Disclaimer: If I owned Fruits Basket, there would be much man-loving. Shigure would get more ass. Huzzah.

A/N: Aww, I just love Tohru. Most yaoi shippers hate her, but I think she's such a sweetheart. I would die to have her as a best friend. I love her so much she gets a big role in this story. Hooray! I don't like ignoring the female characters like most people do. But I do think that Fruits Basket would be better as a hardcore yaoi. Heh.

* * *

"Hn! Fuck, Yuki! Stop, ah!" 

"Say it."

"Ahn, god NO."

"Then give it to me."

"No fucking AH way!"

"Say it. I'll make it hurt more if you don't."

"NO, I won't fucking say- AH!"

"Just say it."

"Fine, goddamnit. You can have the last piece of cake, you stupid stupid-head! Now LET ME OUT OF THIS HEADLOCK!"

Yuki released the cat as he'd asked, swiped the piece of cake, stuck his princely nose in the air and marched off to his secret base. The cat was a little flushed, reasonably pissed and hungry. He really wanted that cake!

Now, it was about that time that Tohru came skipping in. She noticed the rather flustered Kyou and said, "You seem to be getting along fine with Yuki!"

All she got back was an unintelligent, "Blah?"

"Well, I just saw him leaving for his Secret Base and he looked really happy. And there's you… here. Um, looking a little…" she took the time to giggle modestly, "erm, 'flustered'."

Well, Kyou did look 'flustered'. His face was all red from being kept in a headlock and not being able to breathe, his hair was a little mussed from struggling and his clothes were a little out of place from wrestling with the prince. Of course, that could be completely misinterpreted. Woops.

"Ah… yeah," muttered the cat, blushing slightly and looking down at the floor. Tohru smiled, walked over to Kyou and patted him on the back.

"Oh, don't worry. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm so glad you two are finally getting along. It's good," said the girl, looking completely accepting of their 'gayness'. Kyou suddenly felt this horrible wave of guilt engulf him. He hated lying to her.

The girl suddenly got the look she always got when she had an idea. "I know! Since you've discovered your feminine side-"

Wait, feminine side?

"-we should do something fun together! Like… I don't know, go shopping!" Kyou internally groaned. He hadn't been shopping in ages. He hated it. But maybe, just maybe, if he decided to go shopping that little nagging guilty thing sitting in the back of his throat would go away.

"Erm… sure."

"Great! It's a plan then! Which mall would you like to go to, what should we-"

_Ring Ring_

"Oh, hey, listen, the phone!" said Tohru, grinning. It was an 8 step process to get to the phone: She went to answer it, tripped on a floor board, apologized to the floor board, grinned, got up, smashed into a wall, apologized to the wall for being mean, and got her cute little bottom to the phone.

Kyou groaned into his hand. He really didn't want to go shopping. And besides, where was Tohru going to get the money to go shopping? Well, she rarely went shopping for herself so maybe it could be some sort of epidemic for her? Or maybe he could get her something, as a thank-you gift.

The girl walked back into the kitchen, that perpetual smile plastered on her face. "That was Hatori. He just called to see if he could talk to Yuki. I told him your boyfriend wasn't here. Hatori said that he needed to talk to Yuki soon, so I told him that he could call again any time, so Hatori said that he needed to see Yuki and he would come over tomorrow afternoon."

And Kyou cares because…?

"Ah. Did he say what for?"

OK, Kyou did care. Curiosity killed the cat.

"Something about a health lesson…"

"Health… lesson?"

Thinking this over for a few seconds, Kyou suddenly realized something. And then he burst out laughing, which was something he usually didn't do.

Chance of embarrassing Yuki brought him back.

"Is something funny, Kyou?"

"N-no. Just… never mind. When would you like to go?"

"How about tomorrow afternoon? When Hatori's here to see Yuki."

No, but then he'd have to miss seeing Yuki embarrassed.

_I am guilt. Listen to me bitch. BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH-_

"FINE. Whatever, I'll go!" yelled Kyou, suddenly. Tohru gave him a blank stare. Kyou smiled sheepishly.

_That's better.

* * *

_

And the next day, Kyou and Tohru were off on a short walk to the mall. It wasn't too far, and it was rather big. Yuki gave a little wave to both of them as they left. Tohru had animatedly told him about waiting for Hatori's visit and Shigure was the one who was thrilled. He loved it when the doctor visited him. He didn't like going all the way to the main house, the dog had said. Yuki had replied, that's because you're a bum and you never leave your house you lazy man. Shigure gave his lecherous smile, turned on his heel and went to finish something in his study.

Yuki sighed. Just then, someone knocked at the door. Yuki answered it. Oh joy, it was Hatori, looking as cheerful as ever.

His day just couldn't get much better.

"Hello," said the prince, cool and collected as ever. The doctor nodded and Yuki let the man in.

"I presume Tohru told you why I was coming," said Hatori, making his way into the house.

"Something about a 'health lesson', but I don't really understand," said Yuki. Why would Hatori need to give him a health lesson? It didn't make too much sense.

Now, our lovely little doctor wasn't too comfortable about talking with the rat about what he was about to unveil. It would be so much easier with Shigure, who would be a good comic relief, around. But then again, with all of the perverted jokes… Ugh.

"Well… erm…" said Hatori, feeling quite awkward. He didn't quite know how to word it, and it was really getting to him. "I first need to talk to Shigure."

"Oh, sure."

"I heard my name! Ha'ri!" said the author, scooting out of no where and crashing into the doctor. He snuggled his face into Hatori's shoulder. The doctor glared.

"Get off."

* * *

After about an hour of watching Tohru try on hideous clothing, Kyou wanted to take a big spoon, dig out his eyeballs and eat them. He didn't dislike shopping, he FUCKING hated it. 

"Oh, Kyou. Does this look any good on me?" said Tohru, doing a little pirouette in place to show off the cute, flowery, knee-high sundress that currently adorned her. Kyou half groaned.

"Yes, it looks great. Now just buy something so that we can get out of here, please?"

_Hello. Remember me? It's Guilt. I'm back. BITCH BITCH-_

"OK, FINE. I FUCKING GET IT, JUST GET OFF MY BACK!" screamed Kyou. Well, that got him a lot of attention. He just rolled his eyes and leaned against the door of the change room.

"Um… sure, we can leave here, Kyou… just let me get changed back," said Tohru, ducking back into the doors. The cat's face fell into his palm. He really didn't want to be at the mall.

After Tohru gathered her bearings, the two walked around the mall for a little while. The place wasn't huge, but it had a good amount of brand-name stores and nice places that sold nice clothes. Tohru said that her feet were getting a little sore from all the walking so Kyou suggested they sit down on one of the benches that were scattered around the halls. She nodded and they both rested.

They shouldn't have stopped.

"Kyonkichi! Tohru!"

"Oh, hello Ayame!"

* * *

They sat around the table for more than an hour, Shigure and Hatori smoking cigarettes and Yuki sipping tea. Now, Hatori was rather agitated because of the awkward situation. Now, how to get about it… well, he had Shigure to thank for that. 

"I'm sure Ha'ri is wondering how things are going between you and Kyou. Oh, it's so dramatic!" said the dog, rather theatrically. Yuki wanted to strangle the mutt, but resisted.

"Things with him are… fine."

"Oh… that's… good."

There was another bout of silence, before Shigure piped up.

"Oh, they're more than fine. I heard some rather… loud noises, coming from your bedroom last night, if you know what I mean."

Yeah, that was Kyou talking and yelling in his sleep again. He did that often.

"Really, Yuki. If you've slept with him already, I don't think we need to have this talk."

Yuki could feel the blood rising to his cheeks. "Erm, well…"

Hatori took this as the time to just come out and say it, "I'm just wondering if there's actually been any… penetration."

Yuki internally groaned. The talk was coming. And he was hating it. And Shigure's stupid, cackling laughter wasn't helping anything.

* * *

"Oh, Kyonkichi, I'm so glad you finally decided to fall onto our side of the tracks!" said the snake, hugging the squirming kitty. Kyou didn't like Ayame. And he (probably) wasn't gay either. 

"Erm, sure, whatever," said Kyou, finally making his way out of Ayame's grasp. The snake grinned.

"And my brother is so lucky, getting a fox like you. I'm sure even Hatori has looked at your fine ass before!" sang the man. Kyou wanted to die. The cat didn't think he was all that great looking, but it was just a matter of opinion. And he really was hot. "I personally thought 'Gure had a better chance than my brother, or even Hatsuharu."

_Must… resist… urge… to… throttle…_

'Bad, Guilt. Bad.'

_Shut up Kyou._

"But then again, I always had a great chance. I mean, I've even woken up in your bed once!" The snake grinned lecherously and that weird little urge to masticate his eyes came back to Kyou.

'Oooh, you should've had fun with him while he was still sleeping!' said Ayame's conscious. Yeah, even Aaya's conscious had gone to the dark side. They had cookies.

"Oh… that's wonderful," said Tohru, looking a little bit confused. "Why are you at the mall today, Ayame?"

"Ah, well, I was horrendously bored at my shop and I decided to leave it in charge of Mine for once so I could do something on my own," said the snake, waving his arms around dramatically as he spoke. "Lucky I met you both here. I would have bored myself to death!"

"Lucky indeed," grumbled Kyou, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Ah! I have a rather great idea. Oh, if it came from me it **must** be a good idea of course! We should go shop for Kyou!" sang Ayame. Kyou blinked at his cousin for a moment before the snake continued, "We should buy something sexy. Something Yuki would like… and even more, like to take off of you!" Ayame giggled and muttered, "Oh, I'm so naughty."

Kyou was crying inside.

And as such, he was dragged off by the snake and a sympathetic Tohru (who was still **agreeing **to help Ayame anyway).

* * *

So, after an extensive list of risks, STDs, great sex positions (courtesy of Shigure) and a lot of other things, Yuki was sitting rather pale and shocked at the table. Hatori looked a little flustered and embarrassed. Hey, Hatori was a doctor and a very clinical person but describing things like this to his younger cousin… well, it was a little disturbing. 

Not to mention all the things he was describing, Yuki would be doing them to Kyou, his other cousin. It wasn't like Hatori wasn't guilty of having… sexual relations with his other cousins (cough, Shigure and Ayame, cough), but it was just a little squicky. And that issue that they were all under age…

Ah, but who the hell cares anyway?

"I'm sorry I had to put you through this-"

"Ah, don't be sorry, Ha'ri. It was very funny!"

"Shut up, you'll only make him more embarrassed than he already is."

"And you see that's FUN."

Yuki was getting this sinking feeling in the back of his head, and he just wanted to melt inside of himself and DIE. This was so humiliating.

If he only knew what was happening to Kyou that moment.

* * *

"Awww, come out Kyonkichi!" sang the snake. He really wanted to see the cat in the outfit he had picked out for him. 

"NO, GODDAMNIT."

"Please, Kyou!" said Tohru. She didn't see what the snake had chosen.

The cat was staring at himself in the mirror in the change room and he wanted to cry. He really wanted to cry. But Tohru and Ayame promised him that they could leave after he tried something on. But that something… well, they didn't say it was something that looked like it was something that a prostitute would wear.

Ayame was going to die.

"Just come out, pleaaaaaaaaase? You can go home if you show us!" said Ayame.

So, finally, Kyou pulled back the curtain and snuck out, blush lining his cheeks. Ayame was shell shocked, Tohru was blinking. The snake thought the cat would look stupid but… whoa.

He had picked out a slinky little black dress for the kitty, it was barely reaching the thing's thighs (and Kyou was trying oh-so-hard to pull the crimson-lace-lined hem down). The collar was very low, and also lined with that pretty lace that matched the cat's eye color. The thing made his sharp angles look almost feminine and Tohru suddenly thought that Kyou was possibly more girly than Yuki. And, to complete the look Kyou was wearing high-heels. But not just any shoes. Kyou was wearing stilettos.

"Erm… can I get changed back now?" asked Kyou, a blush staining his cheeks. Ayame could only gape, jaw pretty much down to the floor.

"You-you look… uhhhhhhhhhhh…" The snake continued his psychobabble for a little while. Kyou and Tohru just stood there and stared at him.

_He's pretty cute,_ said Ayame's conscience.

'He's my brother's first boyfriend,' replied the right side of Ayame's brain. 'I can't exactly sleep with him.'

_Yuki doesn't have to know…_

'But Tohru's here…'

_We'll offer her candy. Go ahead. _

Oh yes, Ayame's conscience was like another Hitler.

'No… I can't…'

_Use the force, Ayame._

'No, I seriously can't!'

…_I'll give you a cookie._

OK, that was rational enough for Aya-dear.

He jumped the cat.

Kyou flew over backwards with a squeak, stiletto's high in the air.

Things all went bonkers from there.

* * *

Cliffie. MUAHAHA. This chapter is long for me. Woooh. XD Hope you enjoyed. 

Next up: Yuki beats his brother up, Kyou has a angsty melt down and Tohru doesn't get any candy.

PS: for all of you who are also reading 'all fall down' my other story, the next chapter will be delayed. i'm moving soon, and i don't know how often i'll have the internet for a while. sorry.


	8. AHH PAIN AND HURT

Cheerio my deario

(by hnnnnnnarchy)

Warnings: original characters, attempted rape, homosexuality, language and people getting hit with trucks.

Disclaimer: ghu. :D

A/N: YAYROBYN. new chapter of cheerio, with my lovey, miss bin-bin featured.

* * *

"Hi, welcome to Buddy Barn Fast Food, home of the Buddy Barn meal with the Buddy Barn stuff in the bag! We have Buddy Barn burgers, Buddy Barn blasphemy, Buddy Barn bears, Buddy Barn bricks, Buddy Barn boogers, Buddy Barn everything! Hell, we even have Buddy Barn pornography!" 

The customer stared at the lively girl who had just given her lengthy speach-thingy. "I'm Robyn, I'll be your server today," said the girl, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Her brown-reddish ponytail flopped on her back while her glasses balanced on the tip of her perky little nose.

"We're at a fast-food resteraunt, we don't need a server. Just get us our food!" said the woman behind the customer.

Robyn just sort of smiled for a minute or two and the chirped, "...What?"

A bunch of the customers face-palmed.

"HEEEEELP. HEEEEEEELP! HOMOSEXUAL RAPE!" shrieked Tohru, barreling her way into the resteraunt. Robyn immidiately brightened up.

"Ooh, where?" giggled Robyn, looking very hopeful. She reached for her camera which was conveniently hiding under the cash register.

The customers and Tohru stared at her.

"Ummmm, at the store across from this place," said Tohru, giving one of her blankest stares.

"Onward!" shouted Robyn, bounding over the counter and skipping off to the clothing shop.

* * *

Now, Kyou must have been metal because:  
1. His body was as stiff as that of a metal plate  
2. Ayame's lips must have been magnets because they couldn't stay off of him. 

And now, the snake's hands were questing up his little-dress thing and our kitty was totally shocked, stunned and frozen. And Ayame was milking that for all it was worth. Hey, if Kyou was in his right mind while he tried to do this, he'd get his ass kicked from here to Albania.

Now was about the time that our little Tohru and her new found friend Robyn shuffled back onto the scene. Robyn was grinning from ear-to-ear, camera on and ready to fire. She scuttled up to our little molester and molestee and positioned herself so that she got a perfect view to shoot some soft-core porn shots. She couldn't wait until she got the two alone. Her little brain was already swirling with happy little perverted shots.

"Aren't you going to stop him?" squealed the slightly astounded Tohru.

"No. This is hot!" chirped Robyn, clicking furiously away at her camera. "Now, white-hair, just pull down reddy's strap just a little bit—yeah, that's perrrrfect. And your hand should just be a little bit further, yeah that's it. And give a sexy little smile. Oh, and turn his face away, he looks like a deer in headlights."

Now, soon enough, Tohru got a little bit flustered. She was friends with Yuki and she was pretty sure that Yuki wouldn't like his brother getting some ass from his boyfriend. So, basically, Tohru pointed to the side of the store and shouted, "Look! Ayame! Really sexy insert expensive brand name here clothes for half price!"

"OOH!"

And our little sex-pervert friend skipped off.

Sure, Kyou was probably cuter than the clothes, but hey, if our kitty-cat stayed frozen like that, he could have a whole 20 minutes of shopping and THEN get back to his booty call.

Yeah.

Robyn sighed, fumed and yelled back at Ayame, "IT WAS A TRICK, DOUCHEFUCK!"

Meanwhile, kitty was recovering from his shock. He got up and **RAN** out of the mall, stilettos and falling off dress and all. He didn't give a shit if he looked stupid or he was shoplifting. Ayame was just plain creepy.

And it was about then that Aya-dear realized he had been duped and his fuck toy was currently speeding off in the opposite direction.

And as such, Ayame went tearing off after his brother's boyfriend.

Nope, no perverted, Bible bashing, pedophilic stuff on that. You ain't got nothing on us.

Tohru started doing the typical 'run-around-and-squeal' stuff and Robyn…

Well, Robyn made sure her camera was on and ran after them.

* * *

Now, Kyou was just about at the entrance when our kitty made a revelation. 

Stilettos are very hard to run in.

Now, Ayame was still chasing him as Kyou charged through the door. He smacked an old lady with the thing and she totally freaked out and sort of spun in a semi-circle. Oh, but Kyou didn't care. He just kept running as fast as his high-heeled feet could carry him.

"Oh, Kyonkichi, please, wait for meeeee!" sang Aya, quickly gaining on him from behind. Damn, that snake was fast! But then again, Kyou was dashing as fast as he could in frigging GIRL SHOES.

"Not in a million years!" yelled Kyou, dashing out into the parking lot where he completely didn't see the giant bus coming to the side of him.

Needless to say, Kyou got out of the way. Aya, however, was not so lucky.

Ayame got hit by a freaking bus.

There were a whole lot of screams as the snake went flying (he only got nicked, but man! Was that guy ever airborne) by and landed on the pavement. He looked like he got some awful whiplash.

Kyou immediately stopped.

"Damn! I got a great shot of that!" said Robyn, dashing over with her camera in hands. She leaned over the snake and said, "You're a dork."

The truck-driver got out of his car. His name was Taylor Lazar and he was fat and stupid and ugly and he owned a plumbing company. Hooray.

"Do you want an apple?" Robyn asked our completely unconscious snake. "Do you know what a dork is?"

"Jesus Christ! I hit that fag pretty hard! What did his little girlfriend get angry and ru—"

Taylor Lazar, the truck-driver, was immediately smacked with one of Kyou's stilettos. He passed out unconscious.

"Somebody call and ambulance!"

"Somebody call a wardrobe specialist!"

"Somebody call that guy in the dress! He's hot! WOO!"

And another one of Kyou's stilettos went sailing into the other guy's head.

* * *

And that, is how Kyou, Ayame, Hatori, Robyn, (a hyper-ventilating) Tohru and numerous other doctors wound up in a hospital room. It turned out, magically; Ayame didn't suffer from anything other than a mild concussion. He would probably be asleep for a little while, but was otherwise A-OK. 

"So… what's the story here?" asked Hatori, half-glaring/staring at Kyou. What, kitty was still in the dress. He did look pretty damn cute. And he was blushing too. "Or do I even want to know."

All Kyou could really form was a few not-words. He was too embarrassed to speak. And probably a little bit traumatized.

The doctors immediately left. These people were weird.

So Robyn spoke for him. (Who the hell knows why she was still there.)

"Well, basically, this white-haired guy was trying to pressure this guy into having sex with him in public and the red-haired guy freaked out and ran out of the mall and then white-hair got hit by a fat guy with a truck. And white-hair doesn't know what a dork is! Tee hee!" sang Robyn, giggling into her hand. Hatori immediately rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to **murder** Ayame for you when he's a little less dead, Kyou, if that makes you feel any better," said the doctor, massaging his temples. He could just feel a headache coming on.

"Why?" asked Robyn, a little too innocently.

"Because this red-head, also known as Kyou, already has a boyfriend. White-hair, or Ayame's, brother," answered Hatori.

"Ooooooh, a dangerous game of jealousy!" grinned Robyn, looking a little bit conniving. "It sounds like the soap operas that are on TV."

"Not quite," said Tohru, giving an awkward giggle.

"OOOOOK," said Robyn, still smiling. But now she was rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet again. Man, this girl was frigging creepy. Even Hatori was a little bit edgy.

"Wh-what's going... on?" muttered Ayame, his eyes fluttering open. And now, our snake had an odd case of amnesia. He didn't know what the hell had just happened. And he had happy little Robyn staring down at him.

"You're a dork!" said Robyn. Ayame blinked and pulled himself up so that he was sitting.

"I am not a whale testicle, thank you."

Hatori resisted the ever-present urge to bang his head against something hard.

Tohru continued to hyper-ventilate.

Kyou just sort of stared at Ayame.

And Ayame, when his gaze finally found it's way back to our pretty little kitty, the snake's eyes just frigging GREW.

"LOVER!" sang the snake, hopping out of his bed and tackling/hugging the cat.

"What?" deadpanned the cat, looking a little bit afraid. Ayame was now nuzzling his head into the cat's neck.

"I missed you!"

"...Why...?"

"Because you're my boyfriend, silly!"

There was a very awkward moment of silence.

"...What?"

"Yessss, Kyonkichi! You're my boyfriend. We have all sorts of kinky sex and you like to be dominated!"

Another awkward moment of silence.

"Hey, maybe he's leading a double life and secretly fucking the weirdo," said Robyn, grinning.

More silence.

"Does anyone want an apple?"

* * *

and, the fat truck driver was the resident idiot at my school. yay taylor. you win. and you also get hit with stilettos.

that was for rose.


	9. i am a banana! my spoon is too big

Cheerio my deario

(by HOMIGODMYCOMPUTERITBEEPS archy)

warnings: kitty on caffeine, attempted drunken rape, happy aya, general homosexuality, sarcastic doctors, more buddy barn bird-brains, attempted murder with a stir-stick and general idiocy. oh, and super-break down kitty too. HOORAY.

A/N: yay, bin-bin still lives in this. for half the chapter at least.

* * *

Now, all was silent in the coffee room at the cafeteria except for the normal talking of the doctors and the clanking of coffee cups against counters and such. 

"So, what's new with the weird gay guys in room 69?" said the doctor, we'll call Doctor A.

"Ohhhh, the white-guy is finally up," said Robyn, wearing a white coat and a red Super-Man cape. No, she fit riiiiiight in. It was a comic convention. Don't ask me why it was held at a hospital. But anyway, the party was upstairs.

And eventually, there was a weird thumping noise. Robyn and Doctor A completely ignored it and continued to sip their coffee. "We're almost out of coffee," said Doctor A.

And, their pleasant conversation was interrupted.

"BEAN ME!" yelled Kyou, smacking his coffee mug on the counter. A psychotic grin was stretched across his face and he was twitching a little crazily.

Doctor A looked down on our kitten; "Something tells me this isn't your first cup of coffee."

"How many cups?" asked Robyn. She, herself, had actually had 22. It didn't affect her already fucked-up personality though.

"Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirty-two," said Kyou, hopping up and down. Oh, so that's what that thumping was.

"Don't you think you've had enough...?" asked Doctor A. Kyou's eyebrow twitched.

"Shut uppppp. I'm not old enough to drink and this is the only thing I can really mass consume," said Kyou, going to refill his cup.

"I still think you've had enough."

In wicked-fast, super cool, lightning Ninja moves stuff, Kyou had hung off of the man by his shoulder, grabbed a stir-stick and was now poking Doctor A in the eye with it. "I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH, DAMMIT!"

Oh, I also forgot to mention, Kyou was still in a dress and his legs were slightly open.

I also forgot to mention Kyou had no underwear on.

And I finally forgot to mention, the majority of the doctors in the coffee room were either gay or very perverted.

No, not really. Well, at least the last one wasn't true. The other two before that were ENTIRELY true.

And thus, Robyn got a peep-show.

Yay.

* * *

"Wull, BYEEEEE!" said Robyn, waving to Kyou (who was still on his caffeine-high), Hatori, Ayame (who was now recovered) and Tohru (who was less of a blubbering wreck).

"Shut up," said the security guard, who just happened to be ushering our little Buddy Barn friend out of the hospital. "That's the last time you come in here and scare the pregnant ladies."

"Awwwww, but it was fun watching them EXPLOOOODE!" said Robyn, making a big explosion noise.

Ah, yes, that very hard, concrete wall was looking very appealing to Hatori's head.

"Can we go home nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww?" said Kyou, giggling and bouncing on his heels. At first when Kyou had shown up like this, Hatori thought the cat had snapped under the pressure. And then he realized there was free coffee in the other room.

Ooooh.

"You can't wait to get me alone, you little sex god, you," said Ayame, petting the red-head's shoulder. Kyou shivered and sunk down to the floor where he clung to Hatori's leg.

Hatori blinked.

"Ggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh," said the cat, seemingly having a convulsion.

"AHH, my poor love!"

"I'M SORRY KYOU!"

"SHUT UP, all you fuckers," said Hatori, wondering where the nurses kept the tranquilizers.

* * *

"I can't believe you swore, Ha'ri!" said Ayame, blinking awkwardly. He still had his arms around Kyou and had situated the kitten in his lap for the drive home. Hatori was contemplating just crashing the car and ending it all. And then he remembered Tohru was with them. And then he wondered how much Shigure would bitch and complain because Hatori killed his maid. 

And Shigure's bitching was worse than everybody else's.

"Well, I'm sorry," said Hatori, trying desperately to keep his doctorly patience. "I'm just very stressed out."

"I can tell!" said Tohru, "It must be hard working for the Sohma family. It's such a big family."

"We've established that before," said Hatori. Sometimes the girl could just be so... blonde.

Kyou was still the convulsing Kyou-goo he was before. He just wanted to go home and die in his bed.

Oh wait, it was Yuki's bed.

Kitty let out a groan and became Kyou-liquid instead of Kyou-goo.

Ayame just held the Kyou-liquid tighter in his arms. He enjoyed having the kinky kitty as his boyfriend.

Well, it wasn't his boyfriend, but he didn't know that.

Haha, he's screwed.

* * *

Yuki was met at the door with quite some suprising things. 

1. Kyou in a dress and pretty much dead in his brother's arms.  
2. His brother nuzzling the shit out of his 'boyfriend'.  
3. Hatori looked like he might've wanted to die. Well, that wasn't new.

"Erm, hello," said the little rat-man. "Is Kyou... alright? And why is he in a dress?"

"For the pleasure of his boyfriend's eyes!" sang Ayame, cuddling the dead little kitty in his arms.

"I'm not into cross-dressing," said Yuki, blinking a little awkwardly.

"It doesn't matter. You're not his boyfriend! And I just LOVE cross-dressing!" said Ayame, grinning at his brother.

The majority of the people standing around sweat-dropped.

"Erm... What?" said Yuki.

"He got hit by a truck and now his brain is fucked," said Kyou, not really realizing his sentence sort of rhymed. WHEE.

"Oh. Well then, have fun," said Yuki, turning on his heel to go back to wherever he came from. Kyou blinked and then blinked again.

"You're going to leave me here with him?" said the cat, his voice rising a few octaves.

"I don't see the problem..." said Yuki, momentarily turning his head. Tohru and Hatori seemed to disappear into the kitchen. They didn't want to see what happened and/or the wrath of Yuki on his brother.

"Yer brother tried to molest me," said the Kyou-liquid. He still wanted to collapse into bed. He was really stressed out. It was amazing he hadn't transformed yet.

"Oh," said Yuki.

"It was consentual!" said Ayame.

"No, not really," said Kyou.

"Well... he didn't actually molest you, did he?" asked Yuki, "You said he only tried."

"No, he didn't actually get my clothes off," said Kyou.

"You're barely wearing any in the first place," Yuki pointed out. He was now seeing a little bit of why Ayame liked crossdressing. Kyou was sort of looking cute-- he looked female. And that was better than male-angry-mean Kyou. Shy-Kyou was sort of... cute.

"Shut up."

"Well, since he didn't molest you, you're OK," said Yuki, heading somewhere upstairs. Kyou groaned. Didn't Yuki CARE?

"Awwww, don't worry my kitty-cat," said Aya, nuzzling our little distressed feline. "I still love you!"

"Nooooo, you don't," said Kyou, sliding out of the snakes arms and dashing up the stairs. Then he remembered that he shared a room with Yuki and the rat was probably in there. So, he went to his old room. And he locked the door behind him.

* * *

About an hour later, Yuki went back down the stairs. Homework really sucked, but it was better than having to listen to that stupid cat bitch and complain. He headed for the table where most of the noise was coming from. Hatori, a distressed looking Ayame, a slightly drunk looking Shigure and a confused Tohru were sitting around the table. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" shrieked Ayame, standing straight up as soon as his brother came into the room.

"What are you talking about?" asked Yuki. He was tired and he still hated his brother.

"You scared MY boyfriend up into his room! What did you do to him?" said Ayame, looking frazzled. He didn't look like his usual, confident Ayame self. He actually looked scared.

"He's not your boyfriend," said Yuki, "he's mine."

"If he's your boyfriend, shouldn't you go comfort him, Yuki?" asked Shigure, who wasn't actually tipsy but his normal self. He always looked drunk. "I mean, he had a few pretty close calls that traumatized him a bit today."

"What are you talkin-"

"Well, Ayame attempted to well... um, yeah, him and then I went to go find help and all I could find was this weird girl with a camera and an obsession with homosexual porn and then we went to save Kyou and she took... pictures..." said Tohru, "and we don't know where they went either."

"You'd better keep watching the porn sites to see what comes up," said Shigure, directing it at Hatori. Hatori's eyes traveled to the dog who was grinning like an Oompa-Loompa (who don't actually smile) to the side. But the doctor didn't say anything. But he would have to check the porn sites to see if any weird homosexual rape porn would come up of Ayame and Kyou. That would be just hot-- I mean, weird.

_Naughty naughty Hatori,_ said Guilt.

Oh no! Not you again.

_Yes, I have returned, _said Guilt.

You suck.

_Oh yes, _replied Guilt.

"And then Ayame got hit by a bus and this fat guy was all like--" Tohru put on this weird magical puffy mask-thing and impersonated Taylor "--'Fagcussmuffinyousuckdie!' and hit Ayame with a truck. But Kyou was like 'BONG!' and hit him smack in the head with a stiletto!" Tohru looked very enthusiastic now.

Indeed.

"So... why is Kyou so upset? I mean, nothing actually really happened to him, right?" said Yuki, looking slightly confused.

Ayame snorted and sat back down, arms crossed, eyes closed and nose in the air. He was pissed off at his insensitive jerk of a brother. Feh.

"So, you should go comfort him, ask him about how he feels," said Shigure, smiling pleasantly.

_But what he really meant was, 'Go have hot make-up sex so that camera I put in your bedroom goes to good use', _said Guilt.

Shut up.

"I guess so," said Yuki, turning around and walking BACK up the stairs.

"He's in his old room!" sang Shigure, waving his arms around and accidentaly smacking Hatori on the head.

"Idiot," said Hatori, glaring at Shigure.

"Oh hush or no sex for you later!" said Shigure, grinning like a fool. Hatori shut up.

* * *

Now, our little kitty was currently dwelling in his own little world of misery in the dark, in his room. 

He was oh-so-interrupted when Yuki knocked on the door and asked to be let in. Kyou glared at the door before he crawled over and unlocked it. And then he crawled back to his corner and hugged his knees to his chest.

Yuki pushed the door open and closed it when he got inside the room. "It's really dark in here."

"No shit, Sherlock," replied Kyou, being in one of his more bitchy moods. He really was like a woman. A PMSing one.

Yuki sighed and sat across from the cat, at a far distance. He crossed his legs and stared at the cat for a moment. "You should really move your legs. I'm getting a bit of a nasty view from here," said the rat, in a very deadpan tone.

If you were looking closely enough, kitty blushed and quickly altered his legs. Now he was sitting like a girl. Great.

"So... are you... OK?" asked Yuki, not really knowing how to start the conversation.

"Other than the fact that you don't care and my pride is a little bit damaged, I'm fine," replied the cat, his tone dripping ice. He wasn't even looking at the rat. He was too ashamed/pissed off.

"Why should I care?" spat Yuki, his tone equally icy. Kyou shot him back one of his glares but didn't say anything for a moment.

"I'm not asking you to. But... I can't pretend like this anymore," said Kyou, looking at his lap. "I can't keep doing this, I can't keep pretending to like you."

"And why not?" hissed Yuki.

"Because--" Kyou's voice cracked and in the dark Yuki couldn't tell if he was too angry or to overwhelmed with emotional agony to speak. It turned out to be the latter. "it... it just, hurts."

Yuki stared at the cat who was breathing a little heavily and trying to calm himself down.

"In a way... in a way, it's just like what happened with my mom. She was always pretending she cared, always pretending she loved me and then... GOD, I can't even tell you," said Kyou, smacking his head angrily against the wall. "You'd just laugh."

"I wouldn't."

"Yes you would."

"I promise."

"...Fine," said Kyou, who wasn't used to sharing his feelings, let alone with Yuki, "but... this is going to sound stupid... Sometimes, I just wonder, is this all? I mean, is all I can do is pretend. Will anyone actually feel anything remotely close to love... for me?" Kyou's face fell a little bit and he stared at his lap again.

Yuki's lower lip twitched. He was right, it did sound a little ridiculous coming from the cat. But with the sad tone and the lost look, Yuki couldn't help but feel... sorry for the cat. "I don't want to risk being mauled by the fangirls though. They're being more agressive."

But Yuki was still Yuki and in his head he hated the cat. His heart wasn't so punishing though.

"I'm sure you could fake-date Haru," said Kyou, looking a little bit more hopeful.

"But with Haru... it wouldn't be fake-dating. Haru would take it literaly and I would have more of a problem on my hands then I already do," said Yuki. "You're the only one I can trust for fake-dating. In any other circumstance, you wouldn't touch me with a ten-foot pole nor I you."

"But I hate being so fake, I hate lying like this!" said Kyou, nearly pleading now, "And sometimes... sometimes I just wish it could be real." Immidiately after he let that sentence fall off of his tongue, Kyou looked away in shame, blushing again.

The two sat in silence for quite some time after that.

* * *

yay, another chapter. so quickly too. i had inspiration from my lovely bin-bin, garfield and some (alot) of coke. not, drugs moron. coca-cola. :D 

ps. sorry for all of the typos. i don't have a spell-checker anymore. :(

until next time.

archy


	10. anozher eeenterlood pr0n ahahaha

Interlude II

* * *

Robyn arrived at the Sohma estate, not really knowing what the fuck to expect.

But, either way, she had decided to bring her camera with her. Just in case. The girl skipped onto the scene, grinning like a maniac and giant ugg-boots on her feet. She didn't like ugg-boots, but she stole them from a popular girl who she really hated, and so she wore them just to spite her. Stupid Felicia. Grr.

Robyn was greeted by a rather bored looking Kureno. Of course, she didn't know that was Kureno and said, "Are you gay too? I'm looking for some good porn shots, mmkay?"

The rooster simply blinked. "Akito wants to see you."

"Double-yoo-tee-eff?" said Robyn. The rooster grabbed her hand and proceeded to drag her off into Akito's room of doom. Haha. That rhymes.

When she arrived in the god's room she was immidiately greeted with a look of disgust. "Soooo, you must be Akii, huh?" said Robyn. Akito's left eye twitched.

"Akii?"

"YEAH! Sooo, Mr. Akii Sohma-Sohma-diddly-poo, sirrrrr? Whad'ja need me for?"

Akito resisted the urge to strangle the stupid wench, "I need you to tell me what the hell went on in that mall. I want to know what that filth did to hurt my lovely Yuki."

"Ahhhh, filth?"

"Kyou," hissed out the god.

"Hooooooo! He was totally going to get fucked by that pretty Aaya! It was awesome, I even got some shots if you want to see!"

Akito grudgingly nodded and Robyn handed over the pictures. After a few minutes of flipping through them, Akito's eyes were as wide as saucepans and his nose was bleeding a little bit. "You may go. I need to see these... alone."

Robyn grinned. "Hokay!" she giggled and then she skipped out of the god's room.

Kureno immidiately grabbed the nearest wall, rammed his head into it and made himself unconcious. He didn't want to see this.

* * *

A/N: HAHAHAHAH. robyn returns. she'll be gone until the end now, but she's had such great influence that i kept her around. and, needless to say, bin-bin's right here reading this as i type. :D

well, either way, we've still got a long way to go. as you all know, aaya still thinks that he's the one who's kyou's boyfriend and yuki and kyou are suffering a dilemma. oh me, oh my. where will this go?

ALSO, THANK YOU FOR 100+ REVIEWS. KISSES AND HUGGGGZ. I PROMISE A BIG LONG CHAPTER WITH DEDICATIONS AND SHIT NEXT TIME.

KTHXBAI.

archy


	11. you're awful, archy

Somewhere... in the desert...

Summer vacation was nearly over, and Archy (of course), knew that. She finally crawled out of the hole she'd fallen into. She found herself extremely weak. Her throat hurt from the insane amounts of... things she'd swallowed over the course of the summer. She felt parched, needing something to drink. And, HAY GUYS. She found Sethy. And Sebastian, Kyle and Audette. And they had cans upon cans of Coca-Cola!

Hooray for Archy.

"Heeey, girl!" said Audette, giving a big wave. The 15 year old beckoned her younger friend over to the group. Archy crawled over, coughing dryly. Audette pulled Archy into her lap and forced an entire can of sugary goodness down her throat.

Archy smiled happily.

"How was the hibernation hole?" asked Kyle, getting out a crick in his neck. His neck always hurt. Seth scratched the cheesegrater scars on his stomach and yawned. He was incredibly tired. After all, Archy had been tying him up and leaving him in closets for the last month or so. Sebastian was a ball of sheer happiness, perched on... a cactus. Or something that you find in the desert.

"I'wwas good," said Archy, still grinning. By now, she was bouncing up and down on Audette's lap.

"Yeah, but some of yer readers are pissed off at your absence from fanfiction," said Audette with a little frown. Archy shrugged. Hey, everyone deserved a break once in a while.

"I've been really dry for ideas," said Archy, motioning to the giant desert around them. Everyone shrugged in union. Seth tossed Archy a computer.

"Better get to updating, Spooky, love," said Seth, winking and motioning to the fuzzy pink handcuffs that were now in his hand. Archy's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"LOLLERSKATES! HOKAY!"

* * *

**Cheerio my deario**

**(by FIT BUT SHE KNOWS IT archy)**

**warnings: pairing switcheroo (?)**

* * *

Kyou was tired. His thin body was slumped over the railing on the attempt at a balcony that sat on the side of his room. Yuki had left about an hour ago, deciding to go get some sleep in his own room. Kyou decided to stay in his old room. He didn't feel like dealing with Yuki for the rest of the night. Hell, he didn't really feel like dealing with Yuki ever again.

There was a slight knock at the door, but it sounded awfully hesitant. Kyou was too fatigued to yell or try to make the person go away. He didn't even turn around. The cat heard light footsteps approaching him before a pair of slender, but warm, arms wrapped around his stomach. A chin rested on his shoulder and nuzzled his cheek.

"Is everything okay?" muttered a voice. It was Ayame, and Kyou didn't have the strength to push him away. Besides, it felt nice to be held in a real embrace. Kyou let his guard down, relaxing into the touch. It was a few moments before he responded.

"Yuki... just, ugh... I don't know," muttered the redhead. Ayame pressed a small kiss into the younger man's neck. Kyou took that opportunity to remember that Ayame wasn't just shamelessly flirting with him, but that the man was somehow believing that Kyou was his boyfriend. Joy.

"If he's giving you that much of a problem, I can talk to him," said Ayame, just happy that Kyou wasn't being moody. His boyfriend was really sexy when moody and bothered, but it was nice just to cuddle with him. "You know, resolve the problem. What is the problem, anyway?"

Kyou stayed silent again, thinking over what was going through his head. What was he going to say? He couldn't exactly blurt that he was pretending to be Yuki's boyfriend. And then again, it would confuse Ayame more because Ayame thought that he was Kyou's boyfriend. This was going to be difficult. "I can't really... explain. It's hard to, but you don't need to talk to him."

"I understand."

The two stood there, just enjoying the moonlight, not really having anything more to say. It was a few minutes later that Ayame realized that Kyou had fallen asleep, half leaned against him and the railing. The snake sighed, dragging the cat over to the wall and sitting his own body against it. He let his 'boyfriend' lay in his lap.

It was definately a Kodak moment.

* * *

Kyou was quite disoriented when he woke up. He knew he was laying on something rather warm and while it was comfortable, it was a little odd. All he remembered was leaning on the railing last night, staring at the stars... and then, Ayame came in. Ayame.

Well, it was about this time that Kyou opened his eyes and found himself looking up at Ayame. Ayame was staring back down at him. Upon the opening eyes of Kyou, the older snake smiled warmly, running his fingers through Kyou's soft hair.

"Hi," said Ayame, his voice rather quiet. Kyou blinked his blurry eyes and sat up properly, still seated between the snakes legs. Kyou looked at Ayame, eyes a little droopy from the 'just waking up' stage, mouth hanging limply and hair utterly frazzled. It was then that Ayame carefully grasped the cat's chin and pulled him in for a delicate kiss.

This kiss was much different than anything he'd forced with Yuki, Kyou thought. It wasn't as rushed, Ayame was obviously taking his time and being tender about it. Kyou could feel a tongue pressing against his lips and he slowly opened, letting Ayame explore his soul. Kyou could really get used to this.

Really, he could.

* * *

Somewhere else...

Archy fell asleep at the keyboard.

Audette smacked her with a tin-can. "WAKE UP."

* * *

Kyou made his way down the stairs a little later, still a little frazzled. He'd just ended a particularily long make-out session with Ayame, and now really didn't know what to think. Only Tohru was awake, already cooking something in that kitchen of hers, and he figured it would be best to talk with her alone while he had the chance.

"Um, Tohru..." said the cat, carefully making his way into the kitchen. Upon arriving he got a warm smile and a friendly giggle.

"Why, good morning, Kyou! It's beautiful outside. How did you sleep?" said the girl, already a bucket of sunshine even though it was insanely early.

"Uhm, good," said the cat, making way for her so that Tohru could bustle by and grab something from another cupboard. Truth be told, he had slept better nestled in Ayame's embrace than he had on the floor of Yuki's room. Tohru noticed his obvious discomfort and put on a distressed face.

"Is something wrong?"

"Uh, sort of. I mean... ugggh, I don't know!" said Kyou, getting aggravated and letting his voice slip into something just below a yell. Tohru stopped what she was doing for a bit and approached the cat.

"If there's something wrong, you can tell me," she said, looking up at him with her most sincere expression. Kyou sighed and reached up to scratch his head.

"Well, I sort of... cheated on Yuki. But, not really. I don't... uh," muttered Kyou. Tohru's expression went from sincere to hurt to disappointed. She didn't know what to think. But Kyou, truly, hadn't cheated on Yuki, for he wasn't actually dating Yuki. But of course, Tohru didn't know that.

"With who, Kyou?"

"...Ayame."

Now Tohru was just astounded. Kyou was going to drive the brothers apart again by his cheating. It wasn't looking good for anyone at this point. "But... how? Why, Kyou?"

"I don't know," said Kyou, feeling rather ashamed, for reasons he didn't know. "It just sort of happened."

"You didn't... erm, sleep with him, did you?"

Kyou blushed and Tohru blushed and they blushed together for a few minutes before Kyou cleared his throat and shook his head. "We just made out." And it was a pretty intense make out session, but he didn't feel like describing it to poor virginal Tohru who probably didn't even know the basics of sex.

A slight look of relief passed Tohru's face, but it quickly went back to blushing. "Oh. Well, I don't think Yuki will be as mad about that, but I'm sure he'll still be mad. Oh, why don't we just not tell him. But then I'll feel bad. Oh no, what do we do?"

"What do you do about what?" said Yuki, in the middle of a yawn as he shuffled into the kitchen. He didn't even look at Kyou as he went over to the fridge. Kyou's eyes immidiately went to the floor and the cat stormed off into the other room. Tohru still looked flustered, debating if she should tell Yuki or not.

"Um, nothing! Say, it's an awesome day! Yeah, what a cool day!" said Tohru, doing a freaky little dance in the middle of the kitchen. Yuki eyed her a little cautiously as he nibbled on a small block of cheese.

"Are you feeling alright, Miss Honda?" said the rat. Tohru made a pathetic noise, closed her eyes, balled up her fists and tried to hold the news about Kyou and Ayame inside of herself.

Now, to Yuki, this just looked like she really had to pee.

"Um, Miss Honda? Do you need to go lie down, or something?"

"Hhnnngnn!"

"KYOUANDYOURBROTHERMADEOUTBUTHETOLDMENOTTOTELLYOUANDIWASN'TSUPPOSEDTOBUTIFIGUREYOUSHOULDTRYTODOSOMETHINGABOUTITSORRYSORRYSORRRREEEEE!"

"Good morning Yuki. Tohru," said Shigure, strolling into the room. He took one look at Yuki (who looked absolutely confused) and one look at Tohru (who was now shrieking and pounding herself on the head with a cookie pan) and walked right out of the kitchen again.

What an interesting day today was going to be.

* * *

"There, I'm done this chapter!" said Archy, clicking the last button on the keyboard. Seth let his eyes scan over the story quickly and grinned at a few parts, but that was it.

"Eh. It's not as funny as the rest of the chapters, but I think it fits with the story. For now. And it's too short. You need longer chapters!" said Seth. Kyle agreed silently and Sebastian continued to bounce around on the cactus. Audette was throwing back sodas near Sebastian.

"And I wish Robyn was back in these! She's awesome!" said Seth. Everyone else agreed with a loud 'AYE!'

Archy grinned. "Maybe later..."

Of course, who knows what's going through this cockroach's head.

Nobody.


	12. GUILT IS DA BOMB LOLZ

Cheerio my deario

(by )

warnings: do you even need to know anymore?

disclaimer: guilt owns franz ferdinand, but he sure doesn't own the song. or the motherfucking fruits basket itself. and guilt doesn't own gorillaz either.

* * *

_Hi. It's Guilt again. Yeah. You probably haven't seen me in a while, because that silly Archy seems to always kick me out of the story. But, HAH. I've finally put an end- I mean, Archy's taking a bit of a vacation._

_And that means there will be ABSOLUTELY no substance to the story until Archy gets back!_

_Get ready for some serious slapstick._

_Giggity-giggity-giggity-GIGGITY.

* * *

_

Kyou coughed. Something was wrong in the household.

Now, about a week had passed since the cookie-pan bashing jamboree, and things hadn't calmed down at all. Well, maybe they had, but Kyou was far too jittery to notice. Since the whole Ayame making out thing, he was just about ready to jump out of his skin.

"Kyou?"

Kyou jumped off of the couch, landing awkwardly on the floor, twitching violently. Shigure raised an eyebrow at the sight, and tucked his hands into the sleeves of his kimono.

"You… okay?"

"OUMNOMNOMNOOOOOOOM."

"Okie-dokie."

* * *

Kyou was later dragged off to the insane asylum, referred to it by our lovely writer, Shigure.

Kyou didn't even fight, he just basically twitched. On the way to Kyou's own personal cell they saw a giggling Akito, two scary twin girls saying 'don't kill me', a weirdo green-skinned guy licking the walls with his really long tongue and a crazy black haired girl dancing around in a strait jacket singing.

"He's your friend, and we're so proud of you. Your famous friend, well I BLEW him before youu!" screeched the girl, rather off-key. Kyou continued to twitch, before he was thrown into the cell with the mysterious black haired girl. Her emo-tastic hair covered her eyes as she blinked up at him.

"Y HALLO THAR!" said the girl, "I would shake your hand, but I fear it appears to be stuck in this thar strait jacket. Pleased ta meet ya, in the flesh, Kyou-chan."

Kyou stopped twitching. "How do you know my name?"

The girl grinned, a little sadistically, her red-framed eyes bulging slightly. "I have my sources."

Kyou backed away a little bit.

The girl closed in a little bit.

"You're a lot prettier in real life. I should eat you up," said the girl, drooling a little bit. She reached her gangly, old lady hands up to touch his hair. Kyou twitched and flinched at the same time. It was a twinch!

"How'bout no," said Kyou, trying to get away from her hands.

…Which had somehow gotten out of her strait jacket.

_Waaaaaaaaaaaaaait. That doesn't make sense!_

Archy shrugged, even though she was duct-taped to a chair. "Hey, I'm not the one writing the fuckin' story. You're making this up, Guilty-poo."

Bin-Bin was there too. She was pole dancing to Snoop Dogg songs. With Snoop Dogg. He was pole-dancing too. In a thong. Because he's that jet-puffed.

_What the dirty. Jeebus. I can't do anything right. Maybe I should make you write again._

Archy grinned. "Naw, Guilt. I'll let you have the wonderful job of writing a funny story. Have fun."

_:( You cunt._

"Yeah."

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the scary asylum, Kyou was getting used to have a weirdo roommate. He found out the girl's name was 'Spooky', apparently. She was 13. She really liked stilettos. The reason she was in the asylum was for castrating guys with her stilettos.

Stilettos were truly dangerous.

"So, this is the lunch room. I usually eat with Murdoc. He's the one with the sooper-dooper long tongue," said Spooky, pointing to the green-skinned man. The man grinned, revealing a set of jagged, pale-yellow teeth.

"Come'n sit wif me. Boffa ye," said the scary man. Kyou blinked and sat down.

"So, Murdoc, how did you get in here…?"

"Contin'us public nudity."

"Oh."

"So, Muds," said Spooky, crossing her legs. "What's for lunch today?"

"Same's usual. Shite."

"Wonderful."

"You have a weird accent," said Kyou, pointing out the obvious.

"I'm British."

"Howcome you're in a Japanese asylum?" asked Kyou, raising an eyebrow.

Murdoc shrugged. "Writer's advantage, is me guess."

It was then that Spooky smacked him on the head, rolled her eyes and looked to the 'buffet'. The scary old cook ladies were plopping some grey shit onto a metal tray. Spooky grimaced.

"I feel like breaking out of here," said the girl. She stood up, walked to the window and jumped out. Murdoc stared. Kyou twitched. The Genie from Aladdin sang some cracker-ass song and danced around a bit before Osama Bin Laden stabbied him. Stabby stabby.

And then it was found, that Spooky could fly.

So, Murdoc and Kyou flew out of the Asylum on the Spooky Magic Carpet.

The end.

* * *

"WAIT, that doesn't make ANY sense!" said Spooky.

"Fo' shizzle," said Snoop, adjusting his balls in his thong.

Bin-Bin blinked.

_So?_

"My readers will be disappointed!" said Archy, pouting a little bit.

…_Oh well._

"No one will read my damn story!" said Archy, getting a little angrier.

_IT'S MY STORY NOW, BITCH. _

"Corporate whore…" muttered Archy.

**WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW!**

WILL GUILT TAKE OVER FOREVER?

WILL ARCHY SAVE THE DAY?

WILL MURDOC EVER HAVE A BATH?

WILL SPOOKY EVER GET HER FUCKING HAIR CUT?

WILL KYOU EVER STOP TWITCHING?

WILL SNOOP DOGG EVER STOP BEING A GANGSTA?

PROBABLY NOT.

…DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOOOOOOT.

:D

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER JET-PUFFED ADVENTURE.

**if there is a next time**


	13. i can't think of a chapter title :D

Cheerio my deario

(by archy, once again)

warnings: hyped-up on caffeine archy, homosexuality, pairing switcheroo (?), swearing, blatant abuse of OOC, just all around stupidity

disclaimer: nope. don't own anything.

* * *

Ten things you should know about Cheerio my Deario:

1. The author is crazy beyond all belief.

2. Yuki and Kyou are probably not gay in real life… wait, they're not even alive. And they're not gay in this story (YET).

3. Kyou has worn a dress once in this story. By the end of this, he will wear another one.

4. There is no number four.

5. Ayame is still brainwashed.

6. The last chapter doesn't exist. It's all a figment of your imagination.

7. Kyou has sung about bananas once in this fiction. He will not sing again. But Tohru will.

8. Yuki probably doesn't hate Kyou as much as he pretends to. In Cheerio my Deario, he probably doesn't hate him at all.

9. Guilt is a dummy-head.

10. This is all pretty fuckin' cool.

* * *

Let's begin with where we left off…

Kyou coughed. Something was wrong in the household.

Now, about a week had passed since the cookie-pan bashing jamboree, and things hadn't calmed down at all. Well, maybe they had, but Kyou was far too jittery to notice. Since the whole Ayame making out thing, he was about ready to jump out of his skin.

"Kyou?"

Kyou twitched slightly, but tried to cover his surprise and pulled out his tough-guy attitude. "What the hell do you want, Shigure?"

"Um, I'd just like to know… are you still with Yuki, or something? Because you two haven't talked for a week…" said Shigure, sitting down on the couch where Kyou was sprawled out. Kyou grumbled and looked over. Shigure gave an uneasy laugh.

"I dunno," muttered Kyou, hugging his knees, which were pulled up against his body. He usually did this when he was upset, Shigure observed.

"What about Aaya? He's really upset about you not talking to him either. Ha'ri says he's not eating. We're both really worried about him…" muttered Shigure, a little wave of jealousy flickering on his face. Kyou caught it, but didn't say anything.

"Well, I guess I could at least talk to Ayame. I mean, it's weird that he's suddenly in love with me, but I'm human, I'll try to make him feel better."

"Well, his number is programmed into the phone. Go call him. I'm sure he'll be happy to talk to you. Ha'ri says you're all he talks about now!"

Kyou got himself up, and promptly fell down again. Well, duh. He'd been sitting there for about 4 hours without moving anymore than he had to breathe. Shigure snickered into his sleeve, before scurrying off to do… something. Perhaps jack off in his study, Kyou didn't know, or care.

And so the cat pulled himself up again, and wandered over to the phone.

* * *

Kyou stood by the little, ugly plastic thing that he rarely ever used. A telephone. He picked up the receiver and stared at it for a moment. What would he say to Ayame? He didn't even know where the hell the snake lived. Really, he didn't know anything about the snake, other than the fact that Yuki was his brother and Ayame owned a store of some sort. How ironic, that Yuki was born the rat and Ayame the snake. Ayame's zodiac ate Yuki's to survive.

And that gave Kyou a horrible mental image.

Ayame 'eating' Yuki.

No, not in the feeding way.

Kyou had a very dirty mind.

And thus, Kyou beat the image out of himself.

* * *

With a bruise on his head, Kyou dialed the number. His heart was already racing, as the dial tone rang.

And the phone was answered on the other line.

"Hello?"

Kyou could practically hear the emotasticness of Ayame's voice.

"H-hi," replied Kyou a few octaves higher than usual, mentally kicking himself for sounding like a little schoolgirl with a crush.

Ayame's voice immediately brightened up. "Kyonkichi! I was waiting for you to call! How are you, love?"

Kyou sighed, his slight panic dissipating. "Um, I'm good. I sort of figured I should call you, so, yeah. Here I am."

"You sound sad, Kyou. I'll be right over, and I'll cheer you up!"

There was a weird sense of fear seeping through Kyou at that moment. When Ayame said 'cheer you up', he probably meant 'sodomize you on the couch with Shigure taking pictures'.

Ah, either way, something was going to happen that night, whether our kitty-cat liked it-

or not.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Akito's place…

"Shigure tells me that whore of a cat is now with Ayame. He broke my Yuki's heart!" shrieked the God, waving his arms around and generally, just being Akito.

Kureno sighed, idly flipping through Playgirl magazine. He was so sick of Akito's ranting. If the guy was so pissed at the cat, why didn't he just kill him instead of yelling about it 24/7? Akito was pacing now, and plotting.

And then Akito tripped, and landed flat on his face.

Akito got back up, and paced some more.

He continued to pace.

And paced some more.

Kureno fell asleep, drooling over a nude picture of some guy in his magazine.

Akito kept pacing.

Okay, this is boring, back to Kyou.

* * *

It was Yuki who answered the door. Ayame pushed his way in, without Yuki even putting up his usual word of protest. But the rat felt the coldness that Aaya was giving to him, without so much as a glance from his older brother.

"Kyonkichiiiii! Where are you, precious!"

"Don't call me precious!" barked Kyou, from the kitchen. Ayame skipped into the room, and cornered his poor kitty against the fridge. The snake's body was pressed up so close to the cat, the cold-blooded man could feel the heat radiating off of the cat. "Uh, hi." Kyou blushed, eyes wide. Even after Yuki's fake groping, Kyou still wasn't completely used to being so close to people.

Yuki entered the kitchen, for no reason, with a sour expression on his face. Ever since Kyou and Yuki had 'broke up', the fangirls (and his new-found fanboys) had been hounding him like no tomorrow. His week had been hellish, trying to dodge the people. He was almost worried he'd get kidnapped or something.

Ayame had just barely pressed his lips to Kyou's when Yuki had his mini hissy-fit. "Ugh, I don't need to see that. Get out of here, and go do that somewhere else."

Ayame pulled back slowly, only turning his head to look at his little brother. With one eyebrow raised, and sly expression on his face, Ayame truly did resemble a snake. "Oooh, someone's jealous. You're just sad because you blew your chance with him."

Yuki looked like he was ready to bite Ayame's head off for a second, and Kyou wondered what the rat would do. "Heh, I'm not jealous," said Yuki, looking as smug as Ayame did. "Do you wonder **why **the cat didn't call you? His mouth was already too busy to talk to you." Kyou paled. What the hell was Yuki trying to do?

Ayame made something of a scoff, and pulled away completely from Kyou, before getting right in his brother's face, and whispering something to his younger brother.

And then Yuki pulled back his arm, and punched Ayame in the face.

And then all hell broke loose.

* * *

When Shigure came out from his study, he got the weirdest sight he'd probably ever get in his lifetime.

Ayame was lying on the floor, unconscious, bruises already forming in odd places. Yuki had cornered Kyou, the rat with several large scratches on his face, and said rat was yelling at the cat who was just sort of blank-eyed.

Tohru was already there, freaking out, and not knowing who to help first.

Shigure sighed, and went to call Hatori.

* * *

"What in the world…?" muttered Hatori, upon entering the house. Ayame was up again, and was yelling at Yuki, who was yelling at Kyou, who wasn't yelling at all.

"Yuki's all pissed off because Kyou doesn't want him anymore!" Ayame exclaimed to the doctor. "They've broken up, Kyou's over him. He wants me now."

"He doesn't know what he's talking about," muttered Yuki, crossing his arms, and doing that thing where he pouts and stares grudgingly at people. "Kyou and I never 'broke up' officially."

Kyou just sort of mumbled to himself. He could feel real jealousy coming from Yuki, and that was seriously starting to freak him out.

Hatori sighed. "Can I just make sure that everybody's alright, then you can get back to your screaming fest?"

It was then, that Ayame passed out again.

All of the yelling stopped, suddenly, and Tohru was hyperventilating again. "Ahhh, what do we do, what do we doooo?" said the girl, breathing heavily.

Hatori sighed, yet again. "Kyou, take him up to your room-"

"WHY MY ROOM?"

"-and let him sleep for a bit. I'll come up to check on him in just a bit."

And so, Kyou dragged Ayame's body up the stairs, not even caring that Ayame was smacking his head against the wall all of the way.

Once Kyou and Ayame were gone, Yuki proceeded to cross his arms and brood, in that 'I'm Yuki, and I'm brooding' way that he usually did. "Yuki, are you okay?" shrieked Tohru, immediately fluttering over to his face. She looked like she was about to cry.

"I'm **fine**," said Yuki, sternly. He looked away, being un-characteristically rude to Tohru. Said girl, burst into tears and wandered off to go… somewhere.

"What in the world is wrong with you?" insisted Hatori. "Why did you beat up your brother? You understand that makes more work for me, and Akito already keeps me busy enough. I really don't need this…"

"Well, if you didn't **need** this, why did you come at all. That stupid snake will be fine, I assure you. I didn't hurt him that badly," grumbled Yuki, almost doing a direct impersonation of Kyou. Maybe spending all of that time around the cat had loosened up the rat a little bit. Not that it was a bad thing, but with some added aggressiveness, Yuki might be more like a juggernaut than anything else.

While Yuki brooded, Hatori took the few moments of silence to look over Yuki's facial cuts and see if they looked like they might get infected. Well, if they did get infected, they'd get all swollen and Yuki would look like a Chihuahua, and that would be pretty fucking funny. Hatori had to hold back laughter, at the sight of Yuki as a Chihuahua man.

"Well, I'm going to go check on Ayame," mumbled Hatori, quickly handing Yuki some bandages and antiseptic before hurriedly walking to the stairs, and breaking out in a giggle fit.

Oh yes.

All of this pressure was making Hatori go a little… well, shall we say FUCKING CARAAAAAZY?

Hooray!

Hatori didn't even knock on Kyou's door, and just let himself in. As he expected, Ayame was lying in Kyou's bed, with said cat gazing out the window. The thing that he didn't expect, however, was Kyou's next question.

"Is Yuki okay, too? I mean, I think Ayame's going to be fine," muttered our kitty. The only thing that could make that more of a suprise to Hatori, was if he actually knew that Kyou and Yuki **weren't **fucking to begin with! LOL.

"He'll be fine," said Hatori. "I'd better look at Ayame just in case, though." And so, doctorly and un-insane Hatori looked at Ayame, judging that they were just bruises and nothing was broken, and the doctor left. Because nobody really cares about Hatori, unless he's having hot man sex with Shigure, Ayame or any other hot man.

So, Kyou was left sitting in a room with the Kyou-crazed snake. Great. It was just peachy, though, because Ayame was (thankfully) unconscious. But then Ayame woke up.

Oh, shit.

"Kyou?" muttered Ayame, pulling himself up to a seating position. He looked around the room, and found his orange-haired little kitty. "Kyou, are you okay? Wait, just… come here." Kyou did as he was told, because, he really didn't hate Ayame a lot. The cat knelt by the snake, quietly, and was immediately engulfed in a kiss.

Kyou landed on his back, Ayame's lips crushing into his, with the snake hovering over him. Now, they had done something similar to this a week ago, but again, Kyou locked up and laid there completely frozen, lips slack and arms at his sides. Ayame pulled away, eyes glinting with lust, his lips moving down to Kyou's exposed neck.

"Relax," he mumbled between kisses, "You're fine now."

Well, it was true. Kyou felt safe and wanted. He relaxed, and kissed back.

Maybe having Ayame as a boyfriend wasn't such a bad thing.

* * *

adhfoahdfadf.

yayyyy, i got it done before xmas.

also, i want FAN ART. give me fan art of kyou's dress from some chapter's ago, and i'll write whoever makes me a fanart a little oneshot, with their pairing of choice.

well, merry christmas. read my other fanfiction.

-archy


	14. INTERMISSION AGAIN EXCEPT NOT

Guilt frolicked by.

"Hello!" said Guilt, giving a rather large wave. "It's time for an intermission!"

Archy promptly smacked Guilt on the head with a binder. "No, it isn't!"

"This is the first time I've used quotation marks!" announced Guilt, before rubbing…

Wait, what gender is Guilt?

Oh, god, I can't believe I forgot to mention that.

Ahahaha.

Okay, so, Guilt is a girl. Because the Flower Murderer is a girl.

Huh, duh.

Anyway.

Guilt rubbed her head, where the binder had mercilessly crashed down on her unsuspectingly. "Well, as you all can tell, Cheerio is probably not making very much sense," stated Guilt, "However, with the upcoming chapter fourteen, the plot will have a very **BIG, SCARY TWIST!"**

Twilight Zone music commenced playing in the background.

Archy grinned, punching Guilt out of the way. "Silly duck. FEESHY FEESHY!"

Guilt curled up onto a little ball on the floor. "I HAVE POCKETS."

Archy shook her head. "Anyway, the next Cheerio shall be out within the month of March. **WITH IT'S BIG, SCARY TWIST!** After that, Archy will be far too preoccupied with Kingdom Hearts 2 to update Cheerio for the next little while."

"Asshat," said Guilt from the floor.

Archy gave Guilt a kick in the ass.

Hatori drove a train through this weird sort of purgatory, effectively killing both Guilt and Archy.

For the interlude, that is. They'll be back. Ahaha. Suckers.

…

**BIG, SCARY TWIST!**


	15. ANOFER GIULD TACHPATER HFH YOU KID

written by guilt. no, seriously. archy didn't write ANY OF THIS.

seriously guys. it makes me WTF too.

* * *

Another chapter so soon? Of CHEERIO? Of ARCHY'S Cheerio?

I know. Unbelievable.

Which is why it isn't true.

This is a Guilt Chapter.

_I'm Guilt.

* * *

_

"Hello!" offered Guilt with a smile, strolling along. "I'd like to clear up a couple of…misconceptions. Anything Archy says about me is probably a _lie_. Keep that in mind. So far, I think the only thing she hasn't lied about me is that I'm female.

"Betcha thought Guilt was a guy up until she said that, didn't you?

"That's okay. So did I. (That sounded weird.) Until I was appointed Guilt one day by Archy. Because according to her, 'You're the only one who can bitch like Guilt can.'

"Thanks for that, Archy. That makes me feel _spectacular_."

(Whoo! Quotation marks for Guilt! VICTORY. Although italics are cooler. It's just that as Guilt, I haven't gotten much of an opportunity to use them. I'm like a kid in a candy store at this point. Ugh. Dumb metaphor.)

Guilt stopped walking, and she cocked her head to the side. "I bet you're wondering, _what's the point of this?_" She gestured vaguely with her left hand. "There is none, not really. But Archy's being an _idiot_, procrastinating on putting up a real chapter of Cheerio. All you've gotten is an anniversary notice and a Guilt Chapter. But it was an Archy-written Guilt chapter. So far, all of them have been.

"Except this one. This time, Guilt gets to do the writing.

"Betcha didn't know that Guilt was a real person. Actually, a lot of the people in this story are. It's Archy's dirty little secret. She's bad with original characters.

"Anyway, Cheerio's on the homestretch with only a couple more chapters. All the random friend-character injections (ones you have and haven't met) have been pestering her. With little results, we're sorry to admit. But at least we did try."

Tugging at one ear, Guilt pursed her lips. "Something is missing. Ah, yes! What would a Guilt Chapter be without total and complete _random idiocy_?"

* * *

Announcer: And tonight on _Days of our Idiocy_…

"Snoop, while you were away on tour, I married the Flower Murderer's right show. We have four children, now. He thinks Plot is his, too. Despite the fact that neither one of us is black and the kid is. I'm sorry, but you were gone so long…" Bin-Bin trailed off. "And his roommate had some really awesome gay porn!"

"You had his children! NO! I was only gone for FOUR MONTHS…"

"But now you're back!"

"HIS CHILDREN!"

"If you give me a Porsche, I'll run them over with it!" offered Bin-Bin brightly.

"Fo' sho'."

Snoop gifted unto Bin-Bin a brand new Porsche, who promptly drove it over to where she lived with her shoe-husband under an umbrella. Her five children ran out gleefully to greet her.

And they were summarily run over, their little bones snapping and crunching under the wheels.

"Mommy!" cried Plot, just before his head was crushed and his brains leaked out to pool in the road.

"MY CHILD!" screamed Snoop.

"Whoops. Was I not supposed to kill that one?" She shrugged and backed up. "Oh, well. Snoop, get in the car."

"Okay." Snoop hopped in and they drove off into the Grand Canyon.

"We're alright."

"And I'm too much of a wuss to do anything about her killing my children," added the right shoe.

"Bastard. I don't know why I haven't killed you yet," snarled the left.

"Because you love me?"

Announcer: Today in the obituaries, _the Flower Murderer's right shoe_.

* * *

"Wasn't that…is fun really the right word to use here? Whatever. You get to hear from the real Guilt, read about what the Buddy Barn Girl gets up to when she's not doing actual Cheerio, know what happened to the Plot-- you know, Archy, the one Cheerio USED TO HAVE-- and…that's it.

"Still, I actually got to write one of my own chapters. Finally.

"Remember, whatever Archy says about me is probably a lie. I HAVE POCKETS."

_I'm done now.

* * *

_

don't ask. real chapter shall be up soon. if i feel like it. 


	16. PLOT TWIST OMG

Once upon a time, in a far away land there was a princess. Her name was Bin-Bin. She met an amazing prince and his name was Snoop Dogg. They had much ravenous sex and pole danced a lot, whilst taking pictures of pretty gay boys. And then, much to Bin-Bin's surprise, Snoop Dogg had a baby. They named it Plot.

One day, the great adventurer Archy (the cockroach, of course) came upon Bin-Bin and Snoop Dogg and their assbaby, Plot. Archy kidnapped Plot, and Bin-Bin sought revenge. And thus, she brought the wrath of the Plotless-Badly-Written-Smutty-One-Shot-With-MPreg upon the world of Fanfiction.

And then Plot died.

Then, out of the dawn of the new age, something to fix all was born.

It was called Cheerio my deario.

And it sucked really bad, but somehow got the most reviews out of any story that Archy had written.

This is Cheerio's story.

**

* * *

Cheerio my deario **

(by archy the cockroach)

warnings: homofucking, language, assbabies, MPREG IS SO DISGUSTING, drugged-out kyou, attack of the plot and angstmuffin!yuki

disclaimer: FUCK NO

a/n: weeeeeeeeell, another fun round of cheerio. this is the last chapter with madeups (until the end, that is) so I decided to cram a whole shitload in. everybody makes an appearance. also, I WILL FUCKING UPDATE WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO. STOP NAGGING ME. I LOVE YOUR REVIEWS, BUT IF YOU JUST LEAVE A REVIEW THAT SAYS 'UPDATE' I WILL **NEVER **FUCKING FINISH THIS FIC.

* * *

"It's not going to fit." 

"It is, Kyon-Kyon! It is! Just… relax a little bit!"

"FUCK, it hurts! Get off of me! It's not going to work!"

"I've done this a thousand times, it WILL fit."

"Nngh!"

"See, it did fit!"

And with that, Kyou successfully removed his hand from the pickle jar, and glared at his boyfriend. "Told you so!" sang Ayame, stealing Kyou's pickle and running off in the opposite direction.

"AYA, GIVE ME BACK MY PICKLE."

* * *

It was a day like any other day, and Yuki was out angsting his pretty boy heart out in his garden. He was oddly feeling like he had lost something since Kyou had been 'with' his brother. He was finally coming to terms with the fact that he might actually _feel_ something for Kyou. Well, Yuki was one smart fucker, eh? 

Well, despite Yuki being in denial, Kyou wasn't anymore. They had been 'going out' for almost 4 months now. He liked to shove it in Yuki's face that he was sleeping with his older brother. Oh yeah, Kyou was no virgin any more. And, Ayame had shown Kyou a few interesting things, and made a certain kitty develop a few kinks.

Somewhere, watching her computer screen, a girl named Anna drooled and thanked Shigure for setting up those cameras in Kyou's room.

Yuki entered Shigure's house late in the evening, after much gardening. Upon going into the dining room, he got much of a sight that he didn't need to see. Ayame was currently semi-clothed, his shirt unbuttoned and hanging off of his chest. Kyou was completely shirtless, pants undone and face flushed as Ayame ravaged him with kisses.

Poor Yuki could feel the rage ready to explode in his chest.

"Can you **not** do that in here, PLEASE?" snarled Yuki, intent on stomping past the two, trying to ignore the arousal that was building in his stomach. Seeing Kyou all misty-eyed and turned on like that was a little bit too much to bear.

"Stupid rat. Just go die somewhere," whispered Kyou, before letting out a gut-tearing moan as Ayame unexpectedly ground his hips into the smaller boy's. Yuki felt his blood go to his face as the cat scratched restlessly at the table underneath him.

"Yuki, Kyou, Ayame, Shigure, I'm hooo- OH MY GOD!" Tohru got a nosebleed upon walking into the dining room, and Yuki was all-too-quick to usher her out, leaving Ayame and Kyou to fuck on the table.

And that was what they did.

But Yuki and Tohru weren't there to see it. They just ran the hell away, to Tohru's room, and while Tohru plugged her nostrils with tissue, Yuki angsted while sitting on the bed. With her nose tampons in place, Tohru sat down on the bed with Yuki.

"So much has changed," said the girl, looking at her hands. Yuki nodded silently beside her. Yuki, being the angsty bastard that he is, just wanted to die. He felt so impossibly empty.

And then a leprechaun hopped by.

Outside, the moon shone through Tohru's window. "But you know… Yuki, you're obviously upset. I think you should try one more time. Try to win Kyou back. If you love someone, you should."

"I think I'll try. For real, this time," said Yuki, standing up.

"That's the spirit!" said Tohru, enthusiastically.

"Tomorrow," said Yuki, promptly passing out on Tohru's floor. Tohru rubbed her hands together, scheming up a scheme of ultimate scheming magnitude.

"Yeeeees, yeeeeeees my pretties. It shall all fall into place. And then I can send Al-niichan more HAWT SECKSY YUKI ON KYOU PORN!"

And then, Canon rose from the dead and brainwashed Tohru.

"Oh, I'll go clean something now!" and off little Tohru went.

* * *

"We should do something today!" suggested Shigure, as Tohru put the last plate on the table. The weekend had just begun, and Yuki was thinking about how to get Kyou back. Tohru passed out strawberries and napkins before she sat down, smiling. 

"Yeah, there's a magical traveling amusement park in town, I hear. We should go!" suggested Tohru. Ayame, who had spent the night, nodded. He liked the idea. Sex on the top of the Ferris wheel would be so much fun!

Yuki grinned in his head. It was a perfect opportunity to win Kyou back! Ninja style!

Kyou just kind of hummed to himself, eating slowly.

Later on, they did go to the amusement park. With Hatori, because he could drive, and he was amazing. He almost crashed the car a few times, though. Shigure, who was sitting in the passenger seat, had gripped the dashboard and the door handle for dear life as Hatori sped through pretty much ever street. Both Tohru and Yuki were hanging onto each other, sobbing, but Ayame and Kyou were just eagerly making out in their seat.

Oh, how I love yaoi.

Eventually, they got to the amusement park. Hatori puttered off somewhere, to go hit some clowns, or something. Shigure decided to stick with Tohru and Yuki (much to their chagrin) and Ayame and Kyou went off to be exhibitionists!

* * *

"I wonder where they're fucking now?" said Shigure, before shoving more cotton candy into his mouth. "I bet it's in the house of mirrors! That way, they could see themselves fucking in Winifred fencer vision!" 

"Winifred fencer vision?" questioned Yuki, sweat dropping. Tohru sighed, throwing another baseball at a glass bottle. The thing fell over, and the girl won yet another giant stuffed bear.

"Don't ask. Microsoft Word will do that. Silly auto-correct," said Shigure. "What I meant to say was wonkified funny vision!" Yuki rolled his eyes.

"And that made more sense _how?"_ said the teen. "I'm going off to find that idiot cat and his pet snake. Don't wait up." The lavender hair boy went off in the other direction, leaving poor, poor Tohru with sick, sick Shigure.

"So, Tohru, my pretty little flower? What do you say we take some ideas from Aaya and Kyou and go—"

Tohru hit him with a baseball.

"Top prize!" shrieked the Playboy-bunny carnie, who was apparently named Jordy, shoving a enormous bear into Tohru's arms. The girl squeaked as the over-sized plush, quite literally, squooshed her.

* * *

"Ooh, look Kyou! A Ferris wheel!" said Ayame, pointing to said attraction. Kyou looked at it with un-impressed eyes. 

"…Sooo?"

"The seats usually get stuck at the top. For about 15 minutes each time," said Ayame. It didn't take more than 2 seconds for that sentence to click in Kyou's mind, as he latched onto Ayame's hand and _dragged _the man towards the ride.

Kyou was nearly bouncing with excitement as they waited in the line. Ayame's mind was just reeling with all of the delightfully smutty things he wanted to do to the little boy. Oh, how naughty.

And so, they waited in line, but that's kind of boring.

Eventually, they got to the front of the line. Standing there were two more spiff-tastic Canadian exchange students. "Greetings," said the tall one. Kyou stared up at her. Damn, she was tall. Another girl in a flamingo shirt was working some levers over by the Ferris wheel. "If you want to get on this ride, you're going to have to make out in front of me. Perhaps some heavy petting, as well."

"Melissa, stop it," giggled the other girl by the levers. Melissa rolled her eyes and hopped back over to the lever platform.

"Okay, since you guys are THE SEX, you get on for free!" said the Melissa-girl. The girl with the flamingo shirt grinned, beckoning the two males onto the ride. Kyou looked a little scared, but Ayame literally pulled Kyou towards the cart.

Yuki watched from the sidelines, clothed in a big, gangsta-style hoodie. He wanted to remain hidden. Of course, it was really hot outside, so that was kind of hard. So, the rat stood in the sun, sweating bullets as he spied on Ayame and Kyou. Many mothers moved their children away from the gangsta.

As the snake and the cat situated themselves in the cart, they didn't even notice Yuki, of course. They did, however, notice a GANGSTA! Kyou pointed to the gangsta, and Ayame whipped out a camera, snapping many pictures. "Snoop Dogg is here! Oh mai god!"

Yuki fumed. He did _not _look like Snoop Dogg.

Back in the far away land, where Snoop lived with Bin-Bin, Snoop filed a lawsuit for impersonation.

Eventually, flamingo-girl got the Ferris wheel started. With a groan of machinery, the carts started to turn. Ayame and Kyou were already making out in their seat. Melissa was drooling. "Rose, Rose. Get the… ghgh… camera."

Rose grinned. She had set up multiple cameras already, just for that purpose. Her homosexual senses were tingling, earlier in the day. Not to mention her gaydar had been going **berserk** ever since that red-headed guy and his 'friend' had gotten into the line.

The gangsta in the line looked pretty pissed.

When a shirt landed on Melissa's head, Rose knew the reason. Ehehe.

Rose looked to her laptop, where all of the camera's were wired to. Yeah, the little redhead had already lost most of his clothes, and was grinding ferociously against the white-haired one.

Rose was GRINNING.

Yuki, however, was being emo and angsty and he WANTED HIS KITTY BACK. And thus, Yuki decided to sabotage everything. He set to hitting the Ferris wheel with a wrench. All he really did, though, was bust the thing so it couldn't run properly.

So, Kyou and Ayame were stuck on the Ferris wheel even longer.

"DAMMIT ALL!" yelled Yuki, whipping off his black hoodie, and storming off. He pushed a man on stilts along the way, and he fell onto Hatori, who was just minding his own business.

Poor, poor Hatori.

But, some good came out of it.

Kyou got fucked in a Ferris wheel!

* * *

Of course, Kyou needed some help walking, when it was finally time to go home. Ayame was all too happy to oblige, and Yuki just glared. The group piled into Hatori's car, where Tohru's many stuffed prizes were taped to the top of the car, along with the Playboy Bunny, Jordy. Evidently, they had run out of prizes, so Jordy offered himself. Because being Jordy is the equivalent of being a prostidude. 

_What the fuck?_

Oh, you're back. I thought you were gone.

_No, not really._

Duck.

_I'M NOT A DUCK. AND I HAVE POCKETS._

That's what you like to think.

Anyway.

They eventually got back to Shigure's house. Tohru disappeared up into her room to presumably, snuggle her stuffies. Ayame had to go to work, or something, and left the red-head with a soul searing kiss. Hatori left with Jordy, for some reason, because I wanted to get rid of both of their characters for now, and that was the easiest way. Shigure puttered off to do something, and Yuki and Kyou were left alone.

Kyou was a little scared.

Kyou wandered over to the kitchen, and Yuki followed. Kitty went to the living room, and Yuki followed. Basically, wherever Kyou went, Yuki tagged along.

"Yukiiii… go awaaaaay," whined Kyou, as the rat cornered him against a wall.

"No."

"Nnghghhahfhffhf. Pleeeeeease," pleaded the red-head. But Yuki had his hands on either side of Kyou, effectively pinning him there. The cat gave a whimper as Yuki forced his body weight against the cat, and Yuki shivered as he felt every curve and contour of the other's toned body.

"S-stop," pleaded Kyou, screwing his eyes shut. His mind was screaming at him to run. This was almost rape.

_OH MAI GOD. KYOU CAN'T GET RAPED._

_Melissa, go away. Those are my italics._

_SHUT UP. I WANNA SEE WHAT HAPPENS._

_Then stop talking. _

And then the wall broke!

Kyou landed on the ground, outside, on his back with a rather loud curse. Yuki toppled onto him, and their lips met due to some WEIRD coincidence!

Because of that WEIRD coincidence, they had some how managed to kiss!

And with that, the Plot jumped in, and started dancing.

IT DANCED THE TWIST. LOL, PLOT TWIST.

But, back to the real story, where Kyou and Yuki were in the middle of something of a kiss. Of course, Yuki forced his tongue past the barrier that was Kyou's lips. Kyou did nothing to protest, so Yuki forced himself to prolong the moment.

Yuki pulled away, now straddling the dazed cat. "I want you."

Kyou blushed, madly, and mumbled, "You should've told me that, earlier. I'm with Ayame."

"You understand that you're living a lie," hissed Yuki, "He just thinks he loves you, because of that traumatic head-accident."

Kyou bit his lip. "I know. But at least it's not fake love."

Oh, the soap-opera-ness.

Yuki ground his hips against the red head's, eliciting a sweet groan from the cat. Yuki wanted to grin, despite the situation. "I don't think what I ever felt for you was 'fake'. I want to fuck you."

"I-I-want-"

Yuki was about to kiss Kyou again, when Tohru walked in. "You guys broke the wall! I should fix it!"

Damn. Moment-ruiner.

* * *

and then archy ended the chapter. 

lawlz.

_YOU CAN'TEND THE CHAPTER THERE._

yes, i can. watch me.


End file.
